By Diane Roberts
CASEYTOWN, DESANTISTAN — It’s Jan. 6, 2028, a year since Ron DeSantis declared himself President for Life, making this country the freest America in America, if not the world.
Despite the Civil War of 2025, when the brave lads of the Florida State Guard, the Florida Election Police, the Proud Boys, the Sons of Confederate Veterans, and the Baby-Killer Polizei weren’t quite able to conquer the renegade states of the West, the Northeast, Virginia, Maryland, and the walled city of Atlanta, DeSantistan’s economy is booming. Cotton prices are up!
In February 2027 every man, woman, and more-or-less potty-trained child was issued their own AR-15 in case California invades.
So-called students occupied the South Carolina Capitol and barricaded themselves in the LBJ Presidential Library in Austin, bombarding our valiant Brown Shorts Brigade with books. A war crime if I ever saw one.
Most of these punks were mad that the universities have now been transformed into sports academies (Go Seminoles!) populated with yellow-bellied Reds who refused to serve in the DeSantistan military.
They’re now incarcerated in our new high-security dungeon built on the historic site at Andersonville, Ga.
DeSantistan has great relations with the White People’s Republic of Greater Idaho under Lord Protector Tucker Carlson, as well as with Queen Ashlee of Alamissiana. We are, of course, disappointed that she has chosen to enter aid talks with the lib government in Washington.
“You know I love you, Ron, honey,” she said. “But I need that sweet D.C. money for them new chemical toilets now we ain’t got no water.”
In March 2027, First Lady 4Evr Casey DeSantis visited Great Britain on behalf of DeSantistan. Well, I say “visited” but I’m not sure that’s the correct term for circling that little pissant island on board the aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan accompanied by a couple of Ohio-class nuclear submarines to impress on the Brits that we’re serious about agreeing a contract of marriage between one of her kids and heir to the throne Prince George.
DeSantistan Free News reported the First Lady 4Evr wowed London in her full-length panther skin coat and chic red wolf collar. She had productive talks with Charles III, too: “Nice little kingdom you got here,” she said. “Be a shame if anything happened to it.”
She’ll make a great Queen Mother: She already has all those pairs of white gloves!
Now that females are not allowed to vote or own property, most of our marriages are arranged, with parents providing dowries of Lincoln Navigators, nice hunting rifles, and My Pillow stock.
Girls are too emotional to make big decisions.
Birth control is, as you know, illegal. Did Eve have birth control? Hell, no.
A woman might die occasionally from some kind of female trouble, but we have enough extra girls that a fellow can always find a fertile 17-year-old to replace her.
In what they used to call “Nature,” it’s a little sad that the last manatee went to “live on a farm” on May 9, 2027. But to be honest, those sea cows were in the way of important coastal development.
Mouse in handcuffs
Later the same month, the Florida Supine Court ordered Cinderella’s Castle, the last scrap of Wokeanda (formerly known as Disney World), packed with 4,000 pounds of dynamite and blown sky high, while the Mouse, the Mouse’s supposed girlfriend, the Duck, the Dog, and the diversity hire princesses stood there in handcuffs.
It was about time. The site will become an extension of the Villages in which refugees from cities where museums, concerts, ethnics, non-fried food, weird milk, Pride Parades, and science have long oppressed them.
In June, Boss Doc Joseph Ladapo fired all the so-called “medical professionals” with their fancy degrees and peer-reviewed studies and sick notions about vaccines and anesthesia and sterilized instruments, replacing them with some health-care assistants from Chattanooga Community College.
Saved a lot of money.
Shands Hospital has now been repurposed to focus entirely on erectile dysfunction.
Under President DeSantis our neo-Confederacy is building the future. New roads from Nashville to Jacksonville to the Summer White House in Dunedin are state-of-the-art, paved with phosphogypsum, a fine fertilizer by-product. Fresh from Florida!
Green radicals holler that it poisons the aquifer and emits radon gas. So, we lose a few construction workers, motorists, and water-drinkers. Tough. We’ll adapt to this little bitty bit of radioactivity, just like we’ve adapted to boating down what used to be Biscayne Boulevard.
Things got a teensy bit bumpy in July when Key West seceded, but really, who cares? Those perverts can wave their rainbow flags and dress up as mermaids all they want — as long as they stay away from the kids. Even if they have kids.
As our lovely Christina Pushaw pointed out in 2022 when she could still form words, gays are groomers, trying to teach our precious babies tolerance and accessorizing.
On Sept. 14, birthday of our beloved president, every town in DeSantistan piled up all their remaining books and burned them in celebratory bonfires.
That 451̊ Fahrenheit-thing turns out to be true!
As we all remember, Hurricane Bubba struck on Nov. 1, wiping out Tampa and breaking off large chunks of Pasco and Manatee counties which subsequently sank into the Gulf of Mexico.
Challenging times. But speaking personally, I enjoyed Christmas on Tallahassee Beach. And we’re all looking forward to the spring offensive against the lib government in Washington.
We’ve conscripted every white boy over 12 and appropriated whatever materiel (two tanks, three Cessna T-41 Mescaleros, and a Hummer!) the lib army didn’t wreck before they fled our righteous wrath.
(Fake news persists in claiming the libs threw their hands up and said, “For God’s sake, we don’t want them! Should have let them go in 1861!”)
The libs will be sorry once we saddle up our battle mules and head for D.C. We ride north to engage the enemy as soon as everybody gets through this Chick-Fil-A line.
Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books.
Hilarious, but sadly accurate description of DeSantis’ and his ilk!
A Concerned Patriot says
How can a satirical and presumptive view of the future be “accurate” ?
JOE D says
OMG…..Hilarious…..VERY SCARY…..but Hilarious!
Would be funnier if large chunks of this satire weren’t so TRUE already!
I especially like the Tallahassee BEACH reference!
Needed a laugh after the unbelievable week of Florida new law signings and Flagler County School Board shenanigans….
C’mon man says
Sounds like a great place to live.
A Concerned Patriot says
I’d move there in a heartbeat!
Please let this remain satire as opposed to prophecy!
Keep Flagler Beautiful says
I am quite content in DeSantistan and suggest that if living here makes Ms. Roberts tremble in fear, she can always try Californistan, with its miles-long, dung-littered street encampments; or rat-infested New Yorkistan, an equally filthy place that’s ruled by criminals. Either would be happy to take the vast majority of your paycheck, and they won’t ask for permission or consult you about how it will be spent.
Pierre Tristam says
Not uncommonly for rosed-colored propagandists, here we have an example of happy-happy-joy-joy statements presented as facts as Fox might understand the word, but with little to no connection to reality. Relying on FBI numbers rather than alternative facts, Florida’s crime rate is higher than New York’s in almost every category–violent crime, murder (almost double), rape, aggravated assault, property crimes, burglaries, larcenies and car thefts. The commenter must not have taken a gander down Ridgewood Avenue, or must consider Daytona Beach a paragon of classical beauty. The tax burden in Florida is unquestionably lower than in most states, but it is also one of the most regressive ta structures in the country, and among the most unequal, while that business about taking the vast majority of one’s paycheck really isn;t worth addressing anymore than a Tucker Carlson fabrication.
Keep Flagler Beautiful says
It’s disappointing for an editor to invite comments from the public only to attack a writer as a “rose-colored propagandist.” Very disappointing, Pierre. I won’t bother with voicing an opinion on Flagler Live anymore, as only woke extremists seem to meet your standards for commentary.
Pierre Tristam says
If that’s your answer to a fact-check, thank you: one less reckless fabulist to correct here.
Why do you live here, Pierre???
Pierre Tristam says
You must not have read this site’s comment policy.
@starryid. . . and, why do “you” read and post comments on “Award Winning” Flaglerlive? Continue your education by coming out of the FOX hole and try PBS/APNews/BBC for credible facts.
Re: Published Article
Your Readers need to be reminded the current wannabe is being influenced by his loyalists. However, Readers also know:
“You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.” Honest Abe
“and they won’t ask for permission or consult you about how it will be spent”
Tell me, were you consulted when DeSantis took taxpayer money and used it to charter a flight from Texas to Massachusetts? How about the boatload of your money he is appropriating for his feckless First Amendment violations against one of the states major taxpayers and employers? And what about his book tours and vacation to Europe and the Middle East? Then there was the colossal waste of money spent by the legislature to pass bills to defend his lying butt when they could have been doing something about our insurance rates? Do I need to go further?
@ KFB. . . Have you even lived in California and New York. . . or, is it that mindlessly pasting FOX talking points is the limit of all you can accomplish?
As a retired couple, whose home state (for several generations) is Florida, we actually “escaped” Florida (AKA fascist DeSanistan) last Summer. We moved to amazing Sausalito, California. . . to get away from people like “you”! Let me break down actual facts for those of you who have no advanced education/never traveled to another continent/whose brain has been bleached by FOX:
1. Most People in CA= friendly/compassionate/educated/kind/open minded/ethical/honest
Too Many People in FL= fear filled/gun tottin’/uneducated/white supremacist/xenophobic
2. Weather in Sausalito= generally beautiful 10 months out of the year. . . not terribly hot in the Summer or cold in the
Weather in Flagler County, FL= Hotter than hell and horribly humid for 5-6 months a year. . . PLUS the high risk of
hurricanes and flooding every year!
3. Scenic Natural Beauty in Sausalito= Absolutely Gorgeous with forested mountainsides running down to the beautiful
Scenic Natural Beauty in Flagler Beach, FL= A nice beach, although often under refurbishment
4. Public Transport in Sausalito = Excellent. . . Very convenient ferry and bus service to San Francisco and
“directly” to a “Major” airport at reasonable prices.
Public Transport in Flagler Beach FL= LOL! Almost non-existent
5. Jobs Near Sausalito= San Francisco is 20 minutes away and Silicon Valley less than 90 minutes= thousands of
very high paying jobs for the educated populace.
Jobs Near Flagler Beach= LOL!
6. Recycling in Sausalito= Paper, glass, metal, plastic, and even compostables
Recycling in Flagler Beach= glass maybe. . . we thought there was recycling, but the garbage collection company
“lied” and put everything in the dump for years. . . with possibly zero repercussions.
7. Water in Sausalito= Safe and delicious right from the tap and the price is the same as Flagler Beach
Water in Flagler Beach= “Undrinkable” requiring filtration systems beyond Brita. Cost goes up every year!
Yes, the cost of living is higher in CA. . . but, would you rather live in the “cheapest” place, or the “best” place you can afford? Some things are just worth the money. . . after all, each of us only has one life to live.
Fed Up With FloriDUH says
@ Sherry says: Agree with everything you said! We lived in Petaluma for four years (military transfer) and could not have been happier. Many of our friends and colleagues stayed there and retired to raise families. We would love to go back but the cost is an issue now. But you hit it right on the head with your talking points! The only reason we came here 12 years ago was to care for elderly parents and that duty is winding down. Ready to get a Realtor asap.
Dear Fed Up With FloriDUH. . . Petaluma is a great place! I lived in Marin (Mill Valley and Larkspur) for 20 years before returning to Florida to be near my dad after my mother passed in 2005.
Florida has changed so much since I was a kid. I was raised with strong values of kindness, honesty, getting that education, staying healthy in body and mind, ethics, integrity, being a great neighbor, the “Golden Rule”. . . etc. The famous “Southern Hospitality” I loved as a child seems to have been replaced by fear, hate and dishonesty. My home state of Florida became “toxic” to my daily living.
Unfortunately, with the likes of fascist DeSantis as governor and the far right winged legislature in Florida, I do not have faith that the “major shift” needed to bring Florida back to any kind of Democratic normalcy will happen anytime soon. Yes, we gave up on Florida, but not in the memories for what Florida was in her glory days. . . and, the vision of what could happen to turn things around in the future.
In the mean time, we are delighted to be back in wonderful Marin. We are extremely fortunate to be able to afford to live in such an amazing place! I wish you the very best in finding a much “better” place to live. A place filled with Joy, Peace and Love!
@KFB. . . The icing on the wonderful cake that is Sausalito is that not only do we live 20 minute away from a famous “world class” city with many amazing 5 star restaurants, renowned symphony, opera, theater and ballet companies, outstanding galleries, and gourmet food markets. . . here in beautiful Sausalito (within walking distance) we have 5 star restaurants, several art galleries, Summer concerts by the bay, charming shops, Pickle Ball/Basketball/Tennis/Bocce Ball courts in our wonderful parks, and Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods, and shopping malls with designer shops are just a 10 minute drive away. In fact the 30th anniversary of the wonderful annual “Open Studios”, with over 230 very talented artists in this county, is happen this weekend and next: https://marinopenstudios.org/open-studios-event/artwork/
Just compare all that to Flagler county. . . hummmm, there are no words! Just so happy we are here!
Dennis C Rathsam says
The more I read Ms Robert,s story telling, and the hate for our governer.So sad. This poor lady lives in LA LA land. Its too bad her views are not, of normal Floridians. Her anger comes out in every story, she,s so obsesed because their hasnt been a Democrat governor in a long time. Oh well… GET OVER IT!
Joe D says
Define “Normal Floridians!”
I consider myself quite “normal”…taxpaying (lots of it, in fact @ $6500/ year for a 1150 sq ft 2 BR/1.5 Ba townhouse in Flagler Beach), involved with the Community, get along with my neighbors, attend church weekly, participate in Commission and planning board meetings.
What our current Governor is doing, and spending our tax money on is almost criminal. If it weren’t for the fact that he has the legislature CHANGE the laws to make what he’s doing NO LONGER ILLEGAL!
Just wait….EVENTUALLY he’ll come for one of YOUR constitutionally PROTECTED rights….then we’ll see your definition of “normal” then…
DeSantis is scary. Those that support him are scarier!
Well, if any of this comes true, this “author” will be living in hell. Hopefully, not to be heard from again :)
Land of no turn signals says says
Still better than Bidenism.
This describes how we’re living now in Bidenstan and he wants to take our freedom and let China take over our Country.
@shelly. . . please post actual “factually credible” examples for your ludicrous claims. Otherwise, we will all continue to understand that you are only capable of slinging FOX BS. . . with zero research, zero evidence and zero thought. Thanks!
Lance Carroll says
We need unity….not further separation driven by extremists, whether they are at the pulpit or the sandpit…..or holding the chalice of media.
If you, I, or any of our loved ones, needed a blood donation transfused, would we be asking political party blood donated or blood type and Rh factor? Would we be asking for the correct blood or would we choose for any old blood? We are all different and at the same turn, we are the same. I can only guess that whomever needs blood, there won’t be any questions about rhetorical politics?
We all bleed red under the Red White and Blue! Relativity, understanding, and fellowship……not further division of our society and separation of our unity.
My, less than, two cents worth.
People absolutely ask for the “correct” blood. Gay male blood is seen as lethal and tainted and forbidden from use because of HIV – such that a gay man who’s been in a monogamous marriage for 3 years cannot donate blood, while a heterosexual woman or man who has slept unprotected with 15 individuals in 2 months could donate. Restrictions that made sense when we didn’t have an understanding of spread and drugs to treat are still in place. And I would bet you $5 that there are Republican men who might be bleeding out and need my AB+ plasma, but they hear that it’s from “a tr*nny” and they say hell no. Pretty sure there are folks in this very comments section who’d say they don’t want my blood! I’m thinking about the post about pools from a month ago where someone said they wouldn’t allow their kids to swim in water that an LGBT person swam in (and I pointed out to them if they’d swum in Frieda Zamba any time in the last 20 years they’ve overlapped with me, so they have).
Robert Joseph Fortier says
What a nice article to read when just waking up in the morning.
I cannot remember a time when I read such a hateful and biased article in the recent past.
If one believes this state is such a terrible place to live, one can always move.
My family and I are peaceful and helpful people who work to help our neighbors and make our community a better place to live.
Maybe you should try that as well, but then you couldn’t get all your enjoyment separating people, instead of bringing people together. I guess your choice is the easiest way out. My life will now be a little better, not having to ruin my mornings reading all your hateful BS.
How long have you lived in Palm Coast, Robert? I was born and raised here. It hasn’t always been a paradise – in 2004 I was abused by students and a teacher for being perceived as a lesbian and the school board swept it under the rug and sent me to mandatory psychological counseling, where the doctor asked me if I could “try being less of a dyke and then they wouldn’t have to do that to you”. I had 25 years under my belt before I moved out, because I genuinelty felt too damn unsafe to stay here.
Because now there are laws aimed at folks like me that would probably have made school even more hell. Laws talking about separating me from the right to make my own medical decisions when I’m an adult. Laws preventing queer families from being fully discussed in schools. “It’s just so teachers can’t talk about their home lives, nobody needs to know that” – but when “Miss Appleton” marries “Mr. James” and becomes “Mrs. James”, and then takes maternity leave, that’s us knowing implicitly about her sexuality and her marriage home life. Oh, but that’s OK b/c it’s a normal family, right? But my spouse Mr. Aves couldn’t mention he has a husband at home or else that’s “exposing children to unnatural content against parents’ rights”. Well, what if my husband and I adopt children and we want them taught in schools about families like ours? About their bodies? About healthcare? What about my parental rights to make sure my children are exposed to as many walks of life as possible? And yes, that includes ones I disapprove of (like the gun-loving culture) – I think my kids should be able to speak to those people and know what they believe. So long as those folks aren’t trying to legislate my kids, or me as their parent, out of existence.
If Muslim activists were calling for laws that are the same as the ones Christian GOPers are calling for, if they tried to ban the sales of pork and of alcohol because it goes against their God, the Christians would be the first to claim “I don’t want to live under no sharia law” because “their fake religion can’t dictate my life”. Well, Christian law is the same damn thing to me, I don’t want your belief in your God dictating what should be matters between me and my doctor.
I can guarantee if I walked into a men’s room to use a stall and take a shit, nobody would side-eye me and ask if I should be there. I could just toilet and go like a reasonable person. But if I went into the women’s room to do it, as these new laws request, they’d go “man in the room!” – and ask me to leave. What am I supposed to do, yank down my pants so they can see what I was born with? That’s how to get them to say “I felt threatened” and shoot me and call it self-defense – and it’ll be bully on them when they see look at my corpse.
I love Palm Coast. I love going out and watching sunrises over the Atlantic, walking down the Intracoastal. I love my summers spent swimming at Frieda Zamba every day. I was lucky to live right by it and back in the more permissive parental days, I used to go from school to FZ and go swimming and then walk home and they didn’t need to check in with my folks because I’d been doing it since I was born and everyone knew me by name. I’ve been on first name bases with librarians and volunteered at the one I still think of as the “new” one because I remember the first library in the F section Publix plaza, and how at 8 years old I used to go check out a book and then walk around that circle in the plaza to slow traffic to go over to Benvenutos for Pizza. (And now google street view had me half-convinced it wasn’t real because some of those features are gone now). I’ve gone fishing off the pier, I’ve seen a dozen firework shows, I remember when Matanzas HS was built and I was just on the border between it and FPC but they let me stay in FPC. I remember going from the one Publix in the F section to having them all over the place. Palm Coast is in my blood and my bones, and I love it.
but I left, because I am not convinced I can safely live my life there. it’s not because I hate the place, I like the place. I don’t like the people who think that I am an abomination against their God and don’t want me in the state. I’ve been chased out! of a place I called home! because staying would be subjecting me and my family to being targetted. You talk about working to help neighborhoods and make communities better? I spent years in the Florida Future Problem/Community Solvers, doing work to better PC. I left physical imprints in FPC buildings as part of my work. I don’t want to separate people, I want to lift people up – but the politicians in power want to tear down people like me.
Some of those who left Fl did it celebratorily, just like many Western or Northern transplants are like “good riddance to NY or CA”. Well, I left in sorrow, as someone who would have liked to live out his life here but can’t. I don’t feel safe and I don’t believe my spouse and children would be safe.
Thank you, Aves, for pouring out your heart and documenting just a bit of your experience of living in Flagler county, Florida. I am personally touch by your grief in being “forced out” of Palm Coast.
Like you, my husband and I were born and raised in NE Florida, and our families go back many generations in that area. We are “true Floridians”! We also did not wish to leave our beautiful home of 17 years in Flagler Beach. Believe me, down sizing and moving completely across the country was NOT easy. Our decision was based primarily on the desire to remove ourselves from the “toxic” culture of close minded fear and hate in that region.
As a retired couple nearing the end of our lives, we made a commitment to live surrounded daily by kind, friendly, educated,open minded people . . . those we could powerfully relate to. . . those who would welcome us as one of their own. We are extremely fortunate to have found that community in beautiful Sausalito, California.
Saying that, I will continue to “speak out” against that fear and hate/disinformation on this platform as long as Pierre and Cheryl will have me.
Aves, we wish for you and yours a new “home” where you are accepted as the miracle that you are. One filled with joy, peace and love!
Ah yes . . . reminds me of a children’s story about an Emperor who ran around with no clothes. He was made a fool by his close, loyal subjects. But those who knew better snickered behind his back. The Emperor was made a fool and was then ridiculed.
Look at your world and sort out these loyalists! Who among us wants a foolish leader? No more DEI? No more history? No more ‘bad’ books? No more health care and social security? – my foot!
Sound familiar? Remember to vote wisely next time – BUT VOTE!!
Jane Elizabeth says
Thank you Diane and Pierre! Hilarious and scary! Let’s give our governor the boot! Vote smarter next time you see his name on any ballot- even dog catcher .
Ah yes! Reminds everyone of a children’s story about an Emperor who ran around with no clothes. His loyal subjects kowtowed to their own indifference.
His subjects snickered behind his back. He was made a fool.
Does this sound familiar?
“You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.” – Honest Abe
We have time to sort out those who are making a fool out of all of us.
VOTE WISELY NEXT TIME – VOTE!!
Again, you’ve outdone yourself with this very clever satire. Maybe, just maybe, reading this will get some members of the FOX brain washed cult so riled up that their brains will actually click on for a moment or two, or maybe they will accidently put on PBS and connect to the real world of “facts” for 5 minutes. In any case, thanks for the laugh this morning. Just hoping we will all be able to continue to find this laughable 10 years from now.
Shellly, Land of, Jake, Denis and other readers you are reacting like you thought Diane wrote a news story. NO! It was a clever satirical piece. You have been conditioned for years to believe factless “news” from Tucker and other actors who did/will say anything for money and ratings, and now your brain can’t distinguish fact from fiction anymore.
One by one our FL dictator takes away our rights in the name of freedom just as any communist and fasciste dictator did.