By Diane Roberts
Gov. Ron DeSantis has been campaigning for brave warriors like anti-Drag Queen crusader Kari Lake, the next governor of the great state of Arizona, and Ohio’s J.D. Vance, who grew up so poor his family couldn’t afford to give him a REAL name but later made millions the old-fashioned way: getting Peter Thiel to be his sugar daddy.
The governor has also Pennsylvania gubernatorial candidate and mega-MAGA Camo Jesus-guy Doug Mastriano, a proud veteran of Jan. 6, a man who stepped up with the patriots hollering “Hang Mike Pence!” and valiantly recruited an “alternative” slate of electors for President Trump in 2020.
Just because Biden got 80,000 more votes doesn’t mean he won the state.
Now that he’s back, the governor needs to set up an Office of Educational Crimes to investigate and prosecute any egghead caught violating the “Stop Woke Act.” Floridians would feel so much safer if we had armed education officers to root out harmful campus experiences. We can’t rely solely on football and fraternity parties to protect innocent 19-year-olds from thinking.
So give it up, wokester profs: Ron DeSantis will no longer tolerate your anti-American spin on our history, your critical race theorizing, your LGBTQ weirdo agenda, and your communist indoctrination of our kids in Florida’s great state universities.
Up against the wall!
We already have a model — our crack Elections Police unit — and anybody wondering if we really need sworn officers to enforce intellectual hygiene, well, people said the 2020 elections in Florida were the safest, fairest, and best-managed in the nation.
But we now know that at least 20 — TWENTY! — very bad people probably committed voter fraud.
OK, some libs are going, “Yeah, 20 out of more than 11 million voters.” But according to Gov. DeSantis, there’s bound to be a lot more, like, probably up to 30 or 40!
So it is with college. You think there are merely a handful of professors making students read porny novels like “Moby Dick,” teaching them that the Fathers of Our Country also fathered children on their slaves, and that the War of Northern Aggression was not fought over states’ rights?
Wake up, people! There are entire university departments pushing evolution and climate change as fact!
The governor is doing his best to protect our youth from dangerous ideas that might cause them to think dangerous thoughts about America’s glorious past. The wise white men of history would be the first to tell you some of their best friends had dusky complexions: there was Sacagawea, that lady who gave Lewis and Clark a tour of the West so good the U.S. soon decided to take all that land from the Indians — it’s not like they were developing it or anything.
And Martin Luther King Jr., who told us in his great speeches that it was OK to ignore race in favor of whatever was in your character, especially if it was kind of white.
Aided and abetted by anti-American outfits such as the ACLU, a gaggle of academic malcontents are suing on the grounds that the Stop Woke Act will prevent them from teaching minor topics in history such as the Atlantic slave trade, Native American genocide and those so-called “marchers” in Selma, Ala., who refused to comply with law enforcement.
And some socialist-inflected judge recently struck down the “diversity training” part of the law, but never fear: a real judge, one appointed by our president-in-exile Donald J. Trump, will soon put a stop to this lib overreach.
The University of Florida brass has the right idea. President Kent Fuchs put out a cute video warning his faculty that they’d better not offend the governor or Legislature or their trustees or anybody’s mama and daddy by even mentioning that evil Marxist “critical race theory” or the university could lose $106 million.
Students don’t need instruction on “race and gender.” They already know what race they are and if they don’t know what gender they are, their parents should send them to a good Christian re-education camp to get that thing straightened out.
Florida’s already taken an important step, letting students film their profs if one of them endorses some divisive concept or says something that hurts young people’s feelings, and turn that deviant in!
But we need a leader who can spearhead the effort to cleanse our colleges of noisome notions. The obvious choice to run the Educational Crimes Unit is Pete Antonacci, new head of the Elections Crimes bureau. He’s so good at repression he can do both!
Antonacci’s already kicking butt, taking names, and cuffing ex-cons who should have known that just because some county official sent them a voter card or some government office worker helped them register or they thought that since they’d paid their debt to society it was OK for them to participate in democracy like they were actual citizens, these losers were actually committing fraud and should go back to prison where they belong.
He has all the chops. Sure, he worked for some Democrats back in the day, but he’s more than atoned for it by joining the Federalist Society and helping Gov. Rick Scott fire a supposedly “above politics” FDLE chief who failed to get with the Republican program.
More importantly for an education crimes czar, he has a proven track record of taking no crap from know-it-all academics. As executive director of the South Florida Water Management District, he kicked the National Academies of Science out of his Everglades restoration plans, what with their scare stories about rising sea levels and their stupid scientific data and their stupid scientific recommendations. He told them, “Tend to your knitting.”
These “experts” think that just because they’ve studied hydrology or environmental chemistry or whatever for 20 years they know more about it than regular folks.
It would be awesome to see crack education cops kick down the door to some feminist theory class where our precious children are being force-fed “intersectionality.” Or charge some English professor with causing distress to affluent young white men by assigning them to read novels by Toni Morrison or William Faulkner which insinuate a link between, say, the Fugitive Slave Act, segregation laws, Plessy v. Ferguson, and what these wokesters like to call “systemic racism.”
It’ll be great to see the radicals at FSU, USF, UCF, UF and the rest of the state’s leftist learning factories get their comeuppance. Some of them still publicly proclaim their intention to teach books Moms for (White People’s) Liberty (from Knowledge) wants banned, garbage like “The Grapes of Wrath” (socialist), “Slaughterhouse Five” (“inflammatory religious commentary”), and “Antiracist Baby” (does not give equal time to racist babies).
Obviously, we have to get rid of the corrupt system of tenure. It allows these so-called “scholars” to have so-called “academic freedom.” Gov. DeSantis has begun the process of taking tenure down, which will help the education cops punish thought crimes in our ivy-covered halls.
They could start with this history professor at UF, Paul Ortiz. He says he’s going to keep teaching about slavery and Native American genocide and “women’s reproductive freedom” (it’s a fact that even mentioning such things encourages our girls to become sluts) no matter what the governor wants.
Ortiz claims that otherwise Florida will end up “a society where following Ralph Waldo Emerson’s famous dictum to ‘go upright and vital and speak the rude truth in all ways’ is punished by the state.”
You see the problem here: Outright defiance. Insubordination. Disrespect. Such a rebellious attitude needs to be wiped out lest we lose our freedoms.
And who is this “Ralph Waldo Emerson”? Somebody needs to check if he’s legally registered to vote in Florida.
Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books.