By Dana James
When my dad, Lawrence, had cataract surgery in 1994, my sister and I took the day off work. The white supervisor at the bank where I toiled frowned at my request for time off. It was a routine surgery for older people and not worthy of my level of concern, she explained. I pushed back that I would be with my dad for his surgery and any follow-up appointments.
My sister took time off work too, and we all drove home together from his final appointment. My dad held my right hand as I drove through the city, past downtown Des Moines and made our way to the east side where we lived.
“You know, we have a good life,” my dad said. “We don’t want for anything.”
I paused to consider his words. No, we didn’t want for anything. Not love. Nor the materialistic comforts he’d provided our family of four by working at a meatpacking plant and later as a city employee.
Two weeks after his cataract surgery, my loving and supportive dad died of a massive heart attack at the age of 56. Blacks’ life expectancy is consistently lower than other groups — particularly Black men — due to structural racism. Black men die young. I’d always known that, but as I’ve gotten older, I recognize the systemic contributors that make Black men’s early deaths even more tragic.
I grew up in a home where we always said ‘I love you’ to each other, where kisses and hugs were bountiful. Even so, had I capitulated, the old bank job I abhorred would have deprived me of hearing my dad express such contentment. Of driving through the city holding my dad’s hand for the last time.
Society rarely shows good examples of Black fathers. Social media commenters often label Blacks as fatherless and cling to stereotypes that if Black dads are present, they’re somehow unloving, uninvolved or even abusive.
But the Black men I saw growing up had only ever worked toward one goal with their children — to give them a better life than they had. That’s not a fatherly aspiration only reserved for white dads.
Would you have known Black dads are more involved in their children’s lives than whites or Hispanics — whether they live with their children or not? Probably not if you watch television, go to the movies or read social media comment sections.
Black dads love their children. They’re affectionate. They show up for school events. They want to see their children be happy and successful. But society rarely portrays Black men that way. White America has typecast Black men as absentee and then doubled down by creating social conditions that attempt to remove Black men from their families, limit their earning potential and block their participation in the so-called American dream of home ownership. Think about the sheer numbers of Black men who are overrepresented in the criminal justice system due to disproportionate scrutiny by police officers, plea agreements and cash bail.
Not only do Black children have dads who are present in our lives, we have loving dads who have to waste some of the precious moments we have with them so they could teach us lessons about how to navigate in a world that detests our Blackness.
So much of what I know, and know how to do well, began with my dad and the example he set.
During my childhood, when my dad came home from work, driving up in his red and black Ford truck, my sister and I would race to the back door to greet him, yelling, “Dad is home.” Every Friday when he got paid, he’d shop and buy the groceries. My sister and I would groan, but we’d bring all those sacks into the house. As a child born in the 1930s, my dad had sometimes gone to bed hungry, but he ensured, through his work ethic, my mother, sister and I did not.
My parents purchased our house in the late 1960s, and my sister and I grew up having a big yard to play in outside and a house filled inside with both parents who gave us the very best of themselves. Today, the Black homeownership rate has fallen to 43%, compared to 72% for whites, according a 2021 report from the National Association of Realtors. The white homeownership rate in Iowa is 76%, compared to 23% for Blacks, according to the report.
Every evening when my dad came home after working at the meatpacking plant, we gathered to eat dinner and watch the nightly news. We’d analyze and discuss the stories. He spoke frankly about the racism he’d endured in his life and how white supremacy operated systemically in the lives of Blacks, and I listened and watched.
My parents filled our house with books, magazines and newspapers. Before the proliferation of cell phones and laptops, I can still remember the day the Encyclopedia Britannica salesperson knocked on our front door, and my parents invited him in. (Yes, I’m that old.) My parents purchased the set, and I’d sit in the dining room and use the books for my homework.
My dad often told me I was beautiful and smart, and he encouraged me to do my best and fight for what’s right. Even during the silly heartbreaks of my youth, he restored me with his hugs and told me never to settle.
We regularly took family car trips, a few across the country to California, where my poor dad graciously endured countless miles of our off-key singing. When I was about 10, we visited relatives in Los Angeles, San Bernardino, San Jose and San Pedro before venturing across the border into Mexico. We brought statues, blankets and trinkets back across the border with us. None of my elementary school friends had ever traveled across the country multiple times, much less out of the country.
Another thing society gets wrong about Black dads: They don’t all discipline their children with spankings, beatings and whippings. My parents didn’t believe in physical punishment. If we needed to settle down because we were being too loud or doing something we shouldn’t, we’d simply get a look. My sister and I never did find out what, if anything, was on the other side of that look. It was enough.
My dad enjoyed doing family stuff, and he enjoyed teaching us. We’d go to different lakes around Iowa, including Saylorville, Ahquabi, Red Rock and Okoboji. We’d sit out at the Des Moines International Airport and watch the planes fly out. We’d watch the hot air balloons during the National Balloon Classic in Indianola. One year, we walked a few miles home from the Iowa State Fair.
My dad and his buddies worked on old cars in our garage. People just gravitated toward his charismatic personality. The Black dads I saw growing up cared about all the children in the neighborhood. His friends regularly asked us about school and extracurricular activities, and they listened attentively as we described our experiences. They gave us money for good grades to put in our piggy banks.
Because my dad grew up poor, he made sure we didn’t. During Christmas, my mom, sister and I opened our gifts first, and it was an embarrassment of riches. Toys and gifts stacked so high and wide, it made it difficult to walk through our dining room. We’d save dad’s gifts for last and take them to him while he lounged in bed like the king of our family that he was.
My dad always encouraged us to take business and computer classes and to study foreign languages. He paid for ballet lessons, trumpets, school trips to Dallas, Texas and Nashville, Tennessee. Later after I decided to leave college to work full-time, my dad continued encouraging me to take classes, and he paid for my tuition and books. As a way to honor him, I returned to school full time the year after he died. In 1999, I walked across the stage at my college graduation, having earned a bachelor’s degree in Journalism and a minor in Spanish.
My dad was an Iowa Golden Gloves champion boxer in his youth and a judge later. He received an award from the local B’Nai B’rith for his community service. It was the first time I ever saw my dad wearing a tux or giving a speech. I can’t recall what he said, but it was my turn to look at him filled with pride.
Black dads are kind and loving, but they also must be strong. I remember my dad explaining to the vice principal that I couldn’t have “provoked” one of my white seventh-grade classmates into calling me the N-word. When I felt the neighborhood drycleaner had discriminated against me, I vowed never to return. Dad asked me if the business was conveniently located and whether I had liked their work. I responded yes. He then advised me to go back to the cleaners and teach them how to treat me properly, instead of the boycott I had envisioned.
My dad always called me beautiful. He repeatedly complimented my natural hair and hair color, and he encouraged me to be true to myself when he saw a youthful me trying to mimic white American beauty standards. I’ve never forgotten his words — the loving ones, along with my mother’s, that formed the foundation of my self-esteem.
Twenty-eight years after his death, I am still standing on my father’s shoulders because of the wise decisions he made that provided our family with innumerable advantages. Most importantly, I am still reaping the benefits of having had his daily presence in my life and the investment he made in my education. The lessons he taught are manifested in my work as founder of Black Iowa News and my life as a Black Iowan.
Even though my dad lived a relatively short life, his fatherly care enriched our lives immeasurably.
So, when you see or hear comments stereotyping Black men, the remarks that insinuate Black dads are absent, or distant or somehow less than, I want you to remember my exceptional, loving dad instead.
Dana James is the founder of Black Iowa News, which publishes an email newsletter on Meta’s Bulletin platform. James, a former Des Moines Register reporter, is vice president of the Iowa Association of Black Journalists and writes the column New Black Iowa on Substack as a member of the Iowa Writers Collaborative, where this column originally appeared. It is republished from the Daily Montanan.
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The Geode says
As a black man and a black father, I get so freaking tired of these horse-shit opinion articles written by woke people seeing the “white boogie-man” behind every misstep a black man has ever had. It’s like self-accountability, self-responsibility and self-motivation are only for every race EXCEPT black and every failure is somebody else’s fault. Nobody has ever stopped me from doing or becoming whatever I wanted to do or become – except I wanted to do effed-up things and become an eff-up …until I saw the futility of those things and decided to do and become better. Society didn’t help me. Systemic blame didn’t help me. I HELPED ME.
tom dooley says
Yeah I noticed that myself but unfortunately it’s always the left leaning media that portray’s blacks in the negative stereotype (just watch the nightly local/world news) always black’s committing crimes against blacks; very seldom do they show white, Asian {New York city comes to mind now; Asians being pushed into the the subway trains by black’s; what a horrible way to go} or brown skin people committing crimes. Prime example; when a pretty little white girl goes missing (Jon Benet Ramsey); headline news. When was the last time the media (left leaning) shows a pretty little black girl missing? We all know unfortunately it happens daily but yet we don’t see it on the left leaning news. We have to go to other new’s choice’s (thank god we have the choice in this great American country of ours). It’s the democratic left that is really hurting black people by spreading the racial hogwash and black people are still buying Lyndon B. Johnson’s crap!!! I know for a fact that 98% of black people (+/- 2%) are damn good people if only the media would stop portraying them like they are animals and blacks would speak up and denounce crime and work with law enforcement instead of blaming the “white man” for their choice(s) in life they choose. Now lets see how many “haters we have from the 2 “Joy’s”.
Terry says
67% of black children are born without a father living with them. If black males are great father role models how come so many don’t care enough about their child to be around after birth?
Atwm says
All white children have their dads? Dadless homes goes both ways. White men are not perfect, the world think they are. I don’t.
DP in PC says
That percentage you referenced isn’t a percentage of absent fathers, though. It’s a percentage of children born to unmarried parents. It doesn’t say how many of those fathers live with the children, nor does it come with any explanation as to which geographic locations and circumstances bring those numbers up nor why. The 67% really has zero implication as to how many of those fathers care to be around the children or not.
Jimbo99 says
Is there any way the author of his article could’ve avoided weaponizing a cataract surgery as systemic racism ? The possibility anyone gets put under & dies is not RACE & GENDER specific. How do I know this ? I had cataract surgery performed in 2012. I had a chest x-ray, went thru a stress test prior to outpatient surgery. I’m not exactly “the whitest, white guy” on planet Earth, nor am I wealthy. I had to see a cardiologist & be assessed just like any human being regardless of race, gender identity. The fact this man’s father died a few years later indicates there was more to his father’s health than the author of the article is conveying to readers. Years after the cataract surgery the author’s father passed away. My experience, I’m healthy, I exercise and cycle 30-65 miles every few days, my point, I don’t have poor circulation & a heart condition. The sooner we stop perpetuating race & gender lies for healthcare, the better off we are all going to be.
Take the Hamlin injury in the NFL. Anyone think that Unaffordable healthcare covers that to an insurance stop loss at best. That man is 24 yo. At 24 yo, I didn’t have healthcare thru an employer that didn’t want to own me beyond the work I could perform for as cheap as possible. That is, as long as I didn’t cost them anything they had a job I could do for $ 8/hour & no benefits (Gross $16,640.year) in the late 1980’s. It’s no different today. Hamlin is a black man, shouldn’t the author of this article bring up that there is healthcare that white people would never be able to afford & receive and that Hamlin is the example there ? Healthcare in America is an insurance game. One either has insurance & can pay or finance their healthcare procedures or they don’t. It has little to do with race or gender, there are people that can’t afford even the subsidized Bidencare premiums and out of pocket costs. Thje subsidies, they don’t want you to ever use the insurance for a claim, not unless you can pay for the out of pocket (OOP’s). That has nothing to do with race or gender, it has to do with the color of money. Unless you are a cartoon Martian or Star Trek character, nobody is green except the millionaires & billionaires.
Atwm says
Great story. All Black Men are not bad. I’m a good example with millions of other Black Dads. Wasn’t perfec t but worked and took care of my children. Went to some of their school activities. Talked with them played with them, went to church with them. Encouraged them to be productive people. Their mother encouraged our sons to always have their proper documents ready when stopped by the cops, they did. She always said to them it wasn’t a matter of if but when the cops stop you. She would say to them you all are Black young men. Because of their extended family, discipline, and love, and a father in the house our sons became productive citizens in this anti black male society. O my black sons never went to jail. They were stopped by the cops between South Daytona and Port Orange, a few times. Re: they fit the description of a box store theif. The caller was wrong. In a so called white supremacy anti black male society many Black Dads are shining stars for their children,wives,society and themselves. Regardless of the negative stigma against black men we are better than the anti black society would admit. With the help of God, my record is as clean as a one year old child, O I’m Black. Yes I’m male.
Robert Fortier says
Thank you for your article ( as if you will see my comments). I am so sick of racism, which comes in many different forms.
Judge people by their actions, not their sex, or nationality, or skin color.
I would have thought that we would be way past the thoughts and actions of racism by now.
I guess my thoughts on racism are something like, “who the hell do you think YOU are ?”
And as I get older, I realize that hate and similar acts only destroy ones life, but love and understanding of others, helping others where you can…THAT makes everyone feel better…including yourself.
Life is short…make it count.
marty barrett says
The author completely unravels the argument she is making here in the last sentence by use of the word ‘exceptional’ in referring to her dad in relation to black men in general. Her thesis argues against the stereotypes, so dad wouldn’t represent an exception if what she is arguing is in fact true.
Unlucky says
How true. Excellent article. Meanwhile, my white father was hardly loving. He once held a knife against my throat. He also liked to throw things at me, things that could and did hurt. He actually knocked out some of my baby teeth that weren’t ready. He also threatened to kill me and then himself with a gun. He hit me more times than I can even remember. I used to hide from him when I was a kid. I remember the one time I hid behind the recliner. I was around seven. He picked the recliner up and threw it across the room. He grabbed me and hit me so hard I couldn’t sit for days. What did I do? I dropped his wrench on the ground. The literal dirt. No damage. But he snapped, said he was gonna kill me for that and well…
My mother tried to get him to stop but he didn’t listen to her. He never hit her or yelled at her. He just hated me. After he kicked me out at 16 because he was done with me, I only spoke to him 4 more times before he died. He finally said why he was the way he was when I was growing up in our last call but it was too late. I never had a father. Not really. Not the kind other kids talked about. When he died, they offered me bereavement time at work but I told them no, there was nothing to grieve since he wasn’t part of my life and when he was he hated me for existing. The stories I could tell would make people’s heads spin. It’s a shame it all happened this way and I tell myself it’s because I was a horrible person in my previous life, so this was my lesson to learn in this one – humility.
Concerned Citizen says
The title was worded wrong. At best it should have said What Some.
Many of us have been in interracial relationships all of our lives. And don’t condone racism. Or support this view of this author. Racism and bigotry in any form (Yes it goes both ways) have no place in our society.
Laurel says
I think this was a very important article. The thing is, people are not happy until they have stereotyped or categorized everyone around them, and this includes those who categorize themselves. “People of color” is an example. Black Entertainment TV is another. Please, stop! You are the sum of all that you are. One more time: You are the sum of all that you are!
I’ve experienced categorization, all my life, too. I still, to this day, get bills and bank statements addressed to the “Mr.” even though my signature is on all the checks and contracts. I can’t tell you all the times I left a job only to be told, or apologized to, for being better at it than the company realized while I was there. Men, in the exact same positions I was working in, showed me their checks, that showed a higher pay rate. They got better schedules. They got promotions. They were not better at the job than I was. Yet, Betty White stated she never experienced prejudice. Hmmmm, maybe I had a least something to do with it too.
It’s not that “blackness” is despised, it’s “difference” that is feared. The author had a wonderful dad, and family, and I’m glad this information was shared. Thank you.
Bartholomew says
At Rymfire they have (or had, I don’t know if they still do it) a donut with dad day or something like that. They would have students from Bethune Cookman college come and while the dad’s were eating the college students would shake the black fathers hands and tell them thank you.
joseph hempfling says
in this man’s opinion, it is the old DIVIDE AND CONQUER at work and the fact that some people have to look down on others to
feel good about themselves despite the LIE we are all supposedly equal even in the eyes of the law and probably why the statute of justice is usually depicted as BLIND-FOLDED!
at least that is what the “paperwork” says i.e. bill of rights, pledge of allegiance etc.
And now played out as a devicive Racial thing when the underlying truth is that it is all about MONEY AND POWER, and which unfortunately plays out as status and privilege in our divided society.
and as long as “the Man” continues to kick the can further down the road, will, unfortunately, stay that way. Just an opinion !
And what is needed is a change of HEART, most of all. Afterall we are all brothers and sisters coming from the same ancestors
and, yes, from Africa !!