By Diane Roberts
I am a Mommy. A Mommy for Liberty. I will use my personal liberty to shield my precious children (and yours) from gays. And history. And Black people. And sex.
I told Brayden Jr., there are certain things you won’t need to know until you’re at least 28 — he’s 17 and a varsity defensive end at Robert E. Lee High School. I say, “Brayden Jr.? If you get a kind of itchy feeling when you look at one of those cheerleaders, get out there on the practice field and hit the tackle dummies a couple dozen times. Hard.”
Us Mommies started our group to stop the radicals wrecking our schools and sexualizing our children and poisoning our Christian democracy with their “facts.” Some of us got together one afternoon over pimiento cheese and white Zinfandel to talk about how it sucks (pardon my French) that the TV liberals won’t do a “Real Housewives of Titusville” (because me and my friends would be awesome!) and decided we might as well destroy Florida’s public school system instead.
Next thing you know, we have, like, a gazillion chapters all over this great nation!
Yeah, there have been a few issues at our Philadelphia convention this past weekend; some rude person left little hang tags on our hotel doors that had a picture of two boys kissing (eww) and saying, “Please Disburb: Facism in Progress.”
Who you calling ‘extremist’?
An ultra-left outfit called the Southern Poverty Law Center says we’re “extremists,” just like the ladies who were against integration in the 1960s because they wanted their children to stay in school with their nice, white friends.
Besides, who takes a group seriously that puts “poverty” in their name? It’s true the Indiana Mommies quoted Hitler on the front page of their newsletter (maybe inside would have been better?). Of course the so-called media made a big hairy deal out of it.
The girls slapped back on the Twitter: “Everyone knows Hitler is bad. This is intentional dishonesty in reporting, but we aren’t surprised — all they want is clicks. Do better @indystar.”
OK, so Hitler’s “bad.” But you have to admit the guy said some smart stuff: “He alone who OWNS the youth, GAINS the future.” Can you argue with that? No, you cannot.
The Mommies now own the youth and we’re winning the future.
We’re taking our country back big time, getting elected to school boards and beyond. Bridget Ziegler, one of our founding Mommies, has been named chair of the New College presidential search committee. The libs say she has “no education background,” but that’s wrong: she got the Sarasota School Superintendent fired in 2022!
She has great hair and is and married to Christian Ziegler, new chair of the Florida GOP, too. He’s an anti-woke warrior whose mission is “rooting out every Democrat at every level of government.”
Especially the gay ones.
Frats vs. eggheads
Bridget will pick somebody awesome for New College. Maybe she’ll keep interim president Richard Corcoran. He’s an honorary Mommy, already doing the hard work of running off the DEI Marxists and bringing in fraternities and sports to replace the trans freaks and egghead professors. Go Mighty Banyans!
We had another triumph in Democrat-infested wokey Tallahassee, where brave mega-Mommy Brandi Andrews complained to the governor that the county school superintendent said the wrong stuff about masks and told the teachers he’d “have your back” if they talk about how white people were mean to black people and other stuff designed to hurt the feelings of our precious children.
Mega-Mommy Brandi got him sanctioned by the state Department of Re-Education.
Plus, we made him cry.
Mommies for Liberty get the credit (as we should) for the Stop Woke law and the Don’t Say Gay law here in Florida, and now other states are copy-catting us. No longer will our babies have their sweet little noses rubbed in certain bad stuff like slavery and lynching and shooting Martin Luther King.
We’re also nipping Critical Race Theory and Marxist gender fluidity and gay literature and so-called “sex education” in the bud. Britnee, my ninth grader, came home one day last school year crying her little eyes out because the teacher in her “hygiene” class not only told her where babies come from, she showed those innocent children how to put a condom on a banana. Now Britnee thinks boys’ wee-wees are bright yellow.
Drag queen invasion!
Thanks to our awesome friend and hero Gov. Ron DeSantis, that’s over. No more talking about sex. No discussion of “gender identity.” No more drag queens invading our libraries to turn our children into eyeliner-wearing weirdos. No more pornography in school.
And no more woke librarians pushing degenerate “literature” by deviants like Margaret Atwood and Toni Morrison. I don’t care how many prizes they’ve won. They’re not regular Americans.
Kiss “And Tango Makes Three” goodbye (not for real, that would be gross). Do you really want your kids exposed to a story about gay penguins raising a baby penguin? That book is obviously designed to turn kids gay or, at minimum, make them identify with flightless Antarctic birds.
Another book we’re getting rid of, “The Hate U Give,” is nothing but Black people whining about the police, just because an officer shot a kid who was probably thinking about committing a crime. And “Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret”? Really? This 11-year-old sitting around praying about a bra? Ditch it.
I didn’t let Britnee even see a bra till she was 14.
I blame the colleges. Teachers supposedly need a so-called “degree,” but as far as me and the other Mommies are concerned, all those “professionals” learn at college is a lot of socialist notions about pronouns and bad things about America.
Who needs it? The schoolmarms in “Little House on the Prairie” didn’t major in Science Education or Early Childhood Development, and they did fine!
Libs, you’re on notice: The Mommies are now in charge. “Liberty” now means what we say it means. History is what we say it is.
When our governor (love him and Casey!) takes the White House next year and shuts down the so-called federal Department of Education, we’ll be right there with him, picking up the slack, ruling the roost, maybe trading up to sparkling rosé.
How about we get Mommies uniforms made? Something in warm shades of brown with maybe a little touch of pink.
Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books.