Florida’s Bold Search For Terrorists Behind Every Bush

By Diane Roberts

Rejoice, Florida: Domestic terrorism is about to be terrorized, thanks to a terrific team headed by our triumphant governor, the talented Cabinet, and our tough law enforcement hombres.

The state — indeed, the nation — is riddled with no-goodniks determined to damage the domestic tranquility of normal citizens and upset regular folks. Maybe even make them somewhat uncomfortable.

This is the United States: We want things to be nice and not weird or scary.

We want you to rest easy in your recliner, watching “Survivor” secure in the knowledge that people you don’t agree with will be Dealt With.

To that end, in December 2025, Gov. Ron DeSantis took decisive action, sticking the terrorist tag on an outfit calling itself the Council on American-Islamic Relations.

Everyone knows Islam is a threat to puppy dogs, Christmas, and the beer industry.

As the governor said: “We’ll do millions for public safety. Millions for education. But never one red cent for jihad.”

Some federal judge in Tallahassee blocked the governor’s order, noting CAIR is a civil rights organization and citing nonsense about the unconstitutional suppression of speech.

Well, we’ll see about that.

The governor has now signed a law allowing him to say who is and who ain’t a terrorist — him and the head of FDLE, the chief financial officer, the commissioner of agriculture, and the attorney general.

These wise men can also sanction anyone who provides resources or material support to anyone they label terrorists.

Anywhere, anytime, for any obscure, even irrational, reason.

So, all you sharia freaks looking for taxpayer-funded holy war, forget it: The gravy train ends with Ron DeSantis.

Perfidious Episcopalians

But let’s not stop with CAIR.

Something must be done about Antifa. The governor had their number five years ago, warning against the type of “scraggly looking” individual who thinks he has a “right” to protest in our clean American streets.

(What’s so wrong with fascism, anyway?)

CAIR and Antifa are the merely the tip of the extremist iceberg. Florida harbors many unsavory groups that need to be slapped with a big fat “TERRORIST” label and run out of the Sunshine State.

Take Scouting America.

This bunch used to be called the Boy Scouts, but then they started doing woke stuff.

Like admitting girls.

Like trying out a new merit badge in Sewing and Needlework, rewarding boys for doing girl-work.

This is how our enemies weaken us from within.

As Secretary of Maximum Lethality Hegseth says, Scouting America is now in thrall to “a radical ideology that is anti-America and anti-American.”

Speaking of anti-American and woke ideology, how about Episcopalians?

They drink wine on Sunday morning. They talk about loving your neighbor as yourself. They use incense (at least, that’s what they say it is).

They let women preach.

Remember that bishop, Mariann Edgar Budde? During a post-inauguration prayer service at the National Cathedral, she refused to condemn illegals, insisting they’re not criminals — even though they invaded our country with the sole goal to become rapists and murderers and drug dealers.

Then she said, “Our God teaches us that we are to be merciful to the stranger, for we were all once strangers in this land.”

Her church is pro-gay, pro-trans, pro-DEI, and obviously a sinister influence on the entire nation, Florida included.

Et tu, FSU?

You need proof? The Episcopal church of Sts. Mary Magdalen and Martin in Coral Springs doesn’t try to hide it. Their website declares, “Yes, We are a Woke Church!” and “God loves you. No exceptions.”

No exceptions? Terrorist talk.

The governor must stop this before the woke mind virus infects the whole of Broward County.

Wokeness of the eco-greenie kind has already caused much trouble in South Florida.

You’ve got a cluster of enviros suing the government, claiming Alligator Alcatraz — our big, beautiful concentration camp — is “polluting” the Everglades.

You’ve got another enviro cell suing because some patriotic developers want to build a fine 4,000-acre town with a golf course and 2 million square feet of commercial space bang in the middle of what the eco-greenie freaks call “critical habitat.”

Come on, people: That part of Collier County is empty except for some bears, bald eagles, ibis, Big Cypress fox squirrels, rare orchids, aquifer-filtering wetlands, Sandhill cranes, crested caracaras, herons, wood storks, shaggy cypress, and endangered Florida panthers.

Governor, you must preserve our precious development industry and declare Friends of the Everglades, the Sierra Club, the South Florida Wildlands Association, and the Center for Biodiversity domestic terrorists and send ’em to Guantánamo.

“Biodiversity:” Told you they were woke. Dangerous, too.

Another group wreaking havoc on our sense of order and well-being (this one may surprise some people) is the Florida State University football program.

The University of Florida football program, too.

Once clean-limbed, square-jawed, championship-winning heroes, these teams now stink. Like 5-7 and 4-8, and that’s just last year.

Their excruciatingly terrible, mind-bogglingly inept games are psycho-terror attacks, causing despair to thousands of Floridians and eating away at our pride and self-esteem.

Such assaults cannot be accidental.

Librarians with attitude

We can only conclude these teams have been taken over by our enemies to sap our resolve. If the state does not declare them domestic terrorists, we could be looking at an invasion from Canada and enforced ice hockey-watching.

Speaking of pain, let’s sanction the American Medical Association and its renegade doctors.

These medicos decree our children must be stuck with needles full of chemicals designed to keep them from getting polio, measles, Hepatitis B, diphtheria, mumps, and such like.

This is, as our state surgeon general and expert on demon sperm says, pretty much the same as slavery.

He valiantly demanded the Legislature “end all vaccine mandates in Florida law. All of them!”

But the Legislature (keep your eye on them, governor; some of them are likely terrorists, too) failed to do it, obviously wanting Our Children to be tainted by Big Pharma.

An even more serious menace to Our Children? Librarians.

And their co-conspirators, teachers.

These militants need to be called out, corralled, and controlled, lest they pollute the minds of the young with unapproved knowledge.

What’s wrong with books, you say?

Have you looked in books lately? They will teach your kids that slavery was not the fun job-training program we all know it was; that some boys like other boys; that girls experience sexual feelings; that the Indians weren’t happy for the pioneers to take their land; that when it comes to racism, Black people may have a point; that humans share 99% of their DNA with chimpanzees; that the earth is way more than 6,000 years old; and that Christopher Columbus did not “discover” America.

He landed in Haiti, but we’d rather not discuss it.

Getting ideas

Haiti’s a problem. Just because Haitians suffer from natural disasters, a collapsed state, hunger, disease, and vicious gang violence doesn’t mean we should let them just sashay across the water and break into Florida.

It’s not like they’re Norwegians.

(Plus, the vice president reminds us they eat our cats and our dogs).

As the governor said, “When a state faces the possibility of invasion, it has the right and duty to defend its territory and people.”

But back to the librarians and the teachers.

Their underground leaders are code-named “Judy Blume,” “Kurt Vonnegut,” and “Toni Morrison.”

We have intelligence two of those are actually dead. Still, hundreds of cells inspired by their so-called “art” have infiltrated school systems and universities where they hide in plain sight.

Round ’em up; put ’em on trial for sedition; ban their operations; quash their ideas.

If our young people start getting ideas, Florida as we know it will not survive.

Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books.