By Diane Roberts
I am a Mommy. A Mommy for Liberty. I will use my personal liberty to shield my precious children (and yours) from gays. And history. And Black people. And sex.
I told Brayden Jr., there are certain things you won’t need to know until you’re at least 28 — he’s 17 and a varsity defensive end at Robert E. Lee High School. I say, “Brayden Jr.? If you get a kind of itchy feeling when you look at one of those cheerleaders, get out there on the practice field and hit the tackle dummies a couple dozen times. Hard.”
Us Mommies started our group to stop the radicals wrecking our schools and sexualizing our children and poisoning our Christian democracy with their “facts.” Some of us got together one afternoon over pimiento cheese and white Zinfandel to talk about how it sucks (pardon my French) that the TV liberals won’t do a “Real Housewives of Titusville” (because me and my friends would be awesome!) and decided we might as well destroy Florida’s public school system instead.
Next thing you know, we have, like, a gazillion chapters all over this great nation!
Yeah, there have been a few issues at our Philadelphia convention this past weekend; some rude person left little hang tags on our hotel doors that had a picture of two boys kissing (eww) and saying, “Please Disburb: Facism in Progress.”
Who you calling ‘extremist’?
An ultra-left outfit called the Southern Poverty Law Center says we’re “extremists,” just like the ladies who were against integration in the 1960s because they wanted their children to stay in school with their nice, white friends.
Besides, who takes a group seriously that puts “poverty” in their name? It’s true the Indiana Mommies quoted Hitler on the front page of their newsletter (maybe inside would have been better?). Of course the so-called media made a big hairy deal out of it.
The girls slapped back on the Twitter: “Everyone knows Hitler is bad. This is intentional dishonesty in reporting, but we aren’t surprised — all they want is clicks. Do better @indystar.”
OK, so Hitler’s “bad.” But you have to admit the guy said some smart stuff: “He alone who OWNS the youth, GAINS the future.” Can you argue with that? No, you cannot.
The Mommies now own the youth and we’re winning the future.
We’re taking our country back big time, getting elected to school boards and beyond. Bridget Ziegler, one of our founding Mommies, has been named chair of the New College presidential search committee. The libs say she has “no education background,” but that’s wrong: she got the Sarasota School Superintendent fired in 2022!
She has great hair and is and married to Christian Ziegler, new chair of the Florida GOP, too. He’s an anti-woke warrior whose mission is “rooting out every Democrat at every level of government.”
Especially the gay ones.
Frats vs. eggheads
Bridget will pick somebody awesome for New College. Maybe she’ll keep interim president Richard Corcoran. He’s an honorary Mommy, already doing the hard work of running off the DEI Marxists and bringing in fraternities and sports to replace the trans freaks and egghead professors. Go Mighty Banyans!
We had another triumph in Democrat-infested wokey Tallahassee, where brave mega-Mommy Brandi Andrews complained to the governor that the county school superintendent said the wrong stuff about masks and told the teachers he’d “have your back” if they talk about how white people were mean to black people and other stuff designed to hurt the feelings of our precious children.
Mega-Mommy Brandi got him sanctioned by the state Department of Re-Education.
Plus, we made him cry.
Mommies for Liberty get the credit (as we should) for the Stop Woke law and the Don’t Say Gay law here in Florida, and now other states are copy-catting us. No longer will our babies have their sweet little noses rubbed in certain bad stuff like slavery and lynching and shooting Martin Luther King.
It’s not fair: We gave Martin Luther King his own holiday and let Black people have a whole month to talk about themselves.
We’re also nipping Critical Race Theory and Marxist gender fluidity and gay literature and so-called “sex education” in the bud. Britnee, my ninth grader, came home one day last school year crying her little eyes out because the teacher in her “hygiene” class not only told her where babies come from, she showed those innocent children how to put a condom on a banana. Now Britnee thinks boys’ wee-wees are bright yellow.
Drag queen invasion!
Thanks to our awesome friend and hero Gov. Ron DeSantis, that’s over. No more talking about sex. No discussion of “gender identity.” No more drag queens invading our libraries to turn our children into eyeliner-wearing weirdos. No more pornography in school.
And no more woke librarians pushing degenerate “literature” by deviants like Margaret Atwood and Toni Morrison. I don’t care how many prizes they’ve won. They’re not regular Americans.
Kiss “And Tango Makes Three” goodbye (not for real, that would be gross). Do you really want your kids exposed to a story about gay penguins raising a baby penguin? That book is obviously designed to turn kids gay or, at minimum, make them identify with flightless Antarctic birds.
Another book we’re getting rid of, “The Hate U Give,” is nothing but Black people whining about the police, just because an officer shot a kid who was probably thinking about committing a crime. And “Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret”? Really? This 11-year-old sitting around praying about a bra? Ditch it.
I didn’t let Britnee even see a bra till she was 14.
I blame the colleges. Teachers supposedly need a so-called “degree,” but as far as me and the other Mommies are concerned, all those “professionals” learn at college is a lot of socialist notions about pronouns and bad things about America.
Who needs it? The schoolmarms in “Little House on the Prairie” didn’t major in Science Education or Early Childhood Development, and they did fine!
Libs, you’re on notice: The Mommies are now in charge. “Liberty” now means what we say it means. History is what we say it is.
When our governor (love him and Casey!) takes the White House next year and shuts down the so-called federal Department of Education, we’ll be right there with him, picking up the slack, ruling the roost, maybe trading up to sparkling rosé.
How about we get Mommies uniforms made? Something in warm shades of brown with maybe a little touch of pink.
So cute!
Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books.
richard says
Excuse me for not knowing anything about the author of this article. I can’t figure out exactly where she is coming from politically. I started out taking her rant very seriously, and I figured that she was very far Right wing. Then, I stepped back and began to think that she was totally satirical, firmly in the tradition of Jonathan Swift and his “A Modest Proposal.” I have decided that the latter is the case. Is that so? Please advise, all you veteran readers of her work. Me? I think I will purchase her book on Florida history; it could be a corker.
Author Is Sarcastic says
She’s making fun of them, being sarcastic toward them for their ignorance and right-wing political radicalization of school boards, books, etc.
They are the epitome of cancel culture. One parent objecting to something gets it removed for all students, even if those other parents don’t object. It’s the wrong approach. If there are 100 kids and 5 parents object, then those kids are excluded and put in study hall. It’s what we did in the 90s when I was in school.
If a parent objected to a book, or any curriculum, that student was exempt and when that material was being covered, they left for study hall. We had a teacher who only manned study hall for the entire day for this purpose. Parents have always had a choice. This isn’t that.
M4L is a terrorist group funded by Leonard Leo and the Koch brothers. They have an agenda and it’s one where more people are excluded than included—if they succeed, what a boring, sad, one-note world that would be.
richard says
Thank you for your reply. I do appreciate it.
After I sent the note, I looked her up, read excerpts of her work on the Amazon page, and finally just bought paperback of her Florida book. She is definitely heavily invested in satire and often dripping with heavy irony bordering on sarcasm. I love it ! My kind of political writer, she is much akin to Charles Pierce. Whales are harpooned; self-important, know-nothing politicos are lampooned.Thanks again.
Joy Mullins says
Well apparently, this woman has wasted a perfectly good education. The vile that she spews from her lips is pure evil. I am a republican and I do not support Desantis the way that he is taking things in this state. Being a grandparent of bi racial children, it is because of people like the author of this article, that I fear for their lives. Who cares what color skin people have, if they are good people and come from good families who gives a shit about their color? The only one to judge is the man upstairs and I can’t fathom the idea of what is going to happen when this author and others like her have to stand before him to be judged. This is not how the bible reads nor is it the way that the Lord wants us to live. May you be touched by God and get some clear rational thinking going for you.
Deborah Coffey says
May you be touched by God and realize that Ms. Roberts writes satire. She would adore your biracial grandchildren.
Sherry says
@joy. . . rest assured, it’s sarcastically satire.
Pogo says
@Diane Roberts
As always, your droll remarks are entertaining. It’s a pity they’re not more. People who get the references and alluding — already know the information that informs your wit.
The ignorant are just buried a little deeper in their ignorance and hostility.
If anyone gives a shit, ask yourself this:
Follow the goddamn money!
https://www.google.com/search?q=who+owns+moms+for+liberty
On another, and closely related topic:
50 minutes to daylight (50 minutes and 14 seconds)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQHNhOVnaFY
Ibid
https://www.google.com/search?q=Student+loan+documentary
R.S. says
Wonderful satire!
Deborah Coffey says
The best! Love it.
Concerned Citizen says
I am a near 60 white male. I have been married to a wonderful African American woman for many years. We have both honorably served in the military. And she went on to pursue a career as a Nurse in the medical field. She will retire in two years as a Physicians Assistant with a background in infectious disease. I dare say she has contributed more to society than this whiny drivel of an opinion peace we just wasted time reading. It was good for a much needed laugh though. And I will only mildly be disappointed at FL for posting it.
There is so much hate in the world today. And division. And where is a lot of it caused? By media. Because like anyone else they need to make money. And opinion peaces like these generate clicks. Then commentary like mine I am grateful that I was raised in a more enlightened household. My family believed in racial equality and basic human rights. We knew gay people and got along just fine with them. My parents taught me that it was more wrong to hate someone for what they were than to be gay or of another ethnicity.
I worked for many years in the law enforcement field before retiring from Fire Rescue. Some of the hardest crimes for me to investigate were hate crimes. I could never fathom how someone could hate some body so much All because they were different that they would do them harm.
Life is short folks. Learn to love thy neighbor. Just think what we could accomplish as a society. If there was more love and understanding
Sherry says
@cc. . . Relax, this article is satirical. Sarcastic satire is intentionally “over the top” in order to open minds to the extreme beliefs that are destroying our morals, our democracy and our culture.
Atwp says
Anti black isn’t new, will be here until the end of time. The lynchings, police killings of black people, denials, white lying on us, nothing new. We should be used to all this anti black. Taking porn out of school is great, will not stop young people from watching it. Porn is everywhere.
Toto says
Yikes! Ms Roberts, this could actually be the M4L manifesto!
I wanna cry, this is too close to reality. Margaret Atwood, your foresight into this nation’s future is remarkable.
JEK says
Spot on!!!!
Ed says
Everyone knows there are two sides to every coin. Everyone remembers the blind men who had differing descriptions of the elephant they each touched. Everyone has their own perception and that defines their reality. When will everyone learn you can’t negotiate or legislate anyone’s perception. Who’s to say what is right and socially acceptable?
My question why is the left trying so hard to push the gay and transgender agenda?
What you or I do behind closed doors is not anyone’s business. But do I need to be force fed the concept that there is not a biological order?
Look, enjoy your fantasy, but don’t expect me to believe it. America has not been dumbed down enough to live in this illusion.
Pierre Tristam says
No one is force-feeding you anything, as you well know (let’s let your chosen and quite revealingly Freudian imagery pass). But your comment and its sly reference to “fantasy” reflects the arrogance of hetero-supremacy that, from Deuteronomy to Father Knows Best has in fact been cramming its agenda down our throats unobstructed, and now finds it shocking, shocking that there aren’t just binary stars in the universe. Ironically, your biblical concepts or “biological order” have a lot more in common with unicorns and bio-fascism than do the “gay and transgender agenda,” just as your claim of anyone pushing anything on you is a disingenuous deflection from what LGBTQ people have been asking: respect them and leave them be instead of demonizing them or, as you do so well in your comment, demeaning them.
Sherry says
@ed. . . if you would just watch something other than FOX, you would know that no one else is pushing “anything” down anyone’s throats. It’s FOX. . . get it?
CinCin says
Took me a bit to read and realize this was sarcasm. I have to say, it’s probably similar to the ways these women think, which is sad. I won’t go to events where Moms For Liberty might have a booth because just looking at them frustrates me. How did our country get to this?
Joan says
I want to guffaw over this piece, but it truly makes me want to cry with its accuracy.
Skibum says
Dear “mommies”, thank you so very much for elevating your profile for all to see. Its just like a clenched fist with your middle finger sticking up high in the air to draw attention to yourselves. You know, I never before gave too much thought to mommies I saw out in public. After all, I have my own life to live and I’ve never been so consumed with such a poisonous desire to trample on other people’s lives and freedoms as you obviously have. I just can’t help but think that Susan B. Anthony and all the other women who fought so hard for women’s’ rights during the suffrage movement must be spinning in their graves at the thought of you and the “mommies for liberty” working just as hard to ban books and take people’s rights away in 2023. But I will promise you this: I will redouble my efforts to be as fabulous as I can whenever I am around mommies in public, especially when I am with my significant other, who is also fabulous. We want, and need, to be a counterbalance to your hatred, your stupidity, and your hitleresque obsession with inserting yourself and your backward beliefs into other people’s lives. Mind your own damn business!
Ben Hogarth says
I always appreciate good satire.
I remain disgusted by my fellow citizens who would cloak themselves behind our flag and the guise of children and “liberty” while simultaneously destroying everything the stars and stripes stand for. The best criticism I’ve seen thus far is that these (mothers) wouldn’t be so obsessed and zealous about changing the curriculum if they were better parents and knew what their kids were actually learning. Nope, that would require first that they had been good students when they were younger and, moreover, require they had any actual experience teaching their own children.
These women aren’t fooling anyone. We know what their real agenda is and no amount of bemoaning the eccentricities of Hollywood and politics is going to convince the average American that their cause is just. It’s “just” transient – a fleeting and feeble attempt to turn basic democratic societal norms on their head (like public education) to limit discourse and culture to those things that make them feel the most “comfortable” and “proper” in their limited world view.
Well, sorry ladies – the world doesn’t revolve around your perfect vision of what a nuclear family should look like… huddled underneath a table waiting for nuclear fallout or a zombie apocalypse you so desperately yearn for.
Steve says
Interesting that Moms for Liberty are all up in arms about parental choice. Yet their actions are such that they want to take away choice from parents who choose difeerently from them.
Grey Man says
This could have been an exceptional article, however none of the content is relevant to Flagler County. If only Flagler Live had been given relevant information on the local chapter.
Linda says
Spot on!