By Diane Roberts
Florida’s simply not large enough: As part of a growing empire, we need a bigger place.
People keep coming here, especially Canadians, clogging up the aisles in Publix, ostentatiously ordering Molson beer in bars, bragging about how they don’t have to worry about going bankrupt paying for health care.
Canada owes us big time, so it’s only fair they cede their territory to us. We’ll call it “Florida North” (not “North Florida” which, as everybody knows, is weird).
Why not? Canada doesn’t do anything but sit up there being polite.
Politeness is a security risk.
Also, the Canadians have oil, which should clearly belong to us.
As the Dear Leader asserted the other day in his completely rational press conference, if the 51st-staters don’t play nice, we’ll bring them to their frostbitten knees with “economic force” and turn their so-called “provinces” into good Christian Florida counties with lousy hospitals and empty libraries.
“Governor” Trudeau (what a loser) says there’s “not a snowball’s chance in hell” we’ll get Canada.
Yeah, well, in MAGAmerica, hell is full of snowballs: We call them big, beautiful tariffs.
If the tariffs don’t work, there’s always the 101st Airborne.
While we’re at it, we might as well invade Greenland.
Maybe we’ll give Denmark, a small loser country which claims Greenland is an autonomous territory of its kingdom, a bit of money for the place.
A place in Nuuk
This would be awesome for Florida, too.
Floridians used to dream of having a house in North Carolina to escape the Sunshine State’s eight months of summer, but when the U.S. gets its mitts on that big old hunk of ice in the North Atlantic, Floridians can get a place in Nuuk.
Cheap!
Besides, as a blond lady on “The Five” (obviously a distinguished historian) reminded us, back in 1867 President Harry Truman offered the Danes, a people known only for pastries, $100 million for it.
They should have taken the deal.
Now the Danes (many of whom are large dogs) are being rude and nasty, and if there’s anything the Dear Leader hates its rudeness and nastiness.
The so-called “King of Denmark” changed his coat-of arms, which used to have a tiny polar bear — the symbol of Greenland with a bunch of lions and crowns.
Now the polar bear is really big, like the king is saying “Greenland isn’t for sale.”
Au contraire, mein amigo: Everything is for sale.
Ask Elon Musk: He bought the presidency of the United States for a mere $250 million.
Don Jr. took a “day trip” to Greenland on Jan. 7, merely, you know, as a snow-loving tourist, called his father from a restaurant, and put him on speakerphone.
Anybody sitting there, innocently enjoying their seal-meat Suasaat, could hear Don Sr. hollering, “You see the people and the ships sailing around and they’re not the right ships. They’re not the ships you want to know about.”
Anyway, Greenland: The place should be grateful we want to give them the benefits of our civilization:
“Real Housewives.”
Unaffordable homeowners’ insurance.
High fructose corn syrup.
Guns.
‘Liquid invasion’
Besides, Greenland totally owes Florida for the flood damage it continues to inflict upon us.
As the never-satirical Florida columnist Frank Cerabino points out, Greenland persists in sending “giant chunks of your ice floe into the Atlantic, knowing fully that they will eventually wage a liquid invasion against the low-lying coastline of Florida.”
An act, he says, of war.
Nations have been carpet-bombed for less.
If Greenlanders keep saying “no,” the Dear Leader warns he might resort to military force.
He doesn’t like the word “no.”
It’s perfectly clear this God-favored nation needs both Canada and Greenland for “economic security,” “national security,” and to make America great — or at least way bigger — again.
As deep thinker and Manifest Destiny Dude Jesse Watters remarked on Fox, “The fact that they don’t want us to take them over makes me want to invade. I want to quench my imperialist thirst.”
If the British, the Spanish, the French, the Chinese, the Portuguese, the Dutch, the Belgians, the Moguls, and every-damn-body else gets to colonize, we do, too.
We’re not stopping at Canada and Greenland, either: the Panama Canal is also on the list.
So what if there’s some “treaty”? We’re imperial America. Treaties mean nothing.
Ask the Indians. They thought they had treaties, too.
Jimmy Carter gave that canal away and look what happened to him?
Sure, he got the Nobel Peace Prize, but the guy never made any money.
Loser.
While we’re at it, there’ll be a little rebranding.
The Gulf of “Mexico” is now the Gulf of America. We’ll make Mexico pay for the new maps.
And how do you like the sound of “Trump International Canal”
Beautiful.
Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books.
John Yankovich says
Typical Blah, blah, blan, and blah
Whathehck? says
Thank you Diane for this piece of work and thank you Pierre for publishing it.
Ed P says
Globalization is different from one world order. Free market capitalists understands the need to coalesce Canada,United States, and Mexico into an indivisible economic group to keep China in check. Trump’s obviously absurd approach was his sense of humor to plant the seed and start people talking. He feels there is not any such thing as bad publicity. Ms Roberts will have people talking and hopefully thinking beyond her satirical description.
Both Canada and Greenland are strategically located with large land masses in the Arctic region. Militarily, Russia is the obvious reason for an alliance. Think longer term. Climate change is shrinking the ice masses exposing valuable resources that are beyond today’s technological abilities to extract them cost effectively. Not only oil, but minerals and precious metals.
A free and safe Panama Canal is necessary militarily as well as economically. If China’s influence allows for too much influence then military intervention could be necessary.
Negotiate safeguards now, proactively prevent a future conflict. Non action will bring a conflict sooner or later.
He certainly isn’t William H. Seward. But there are some similarities. Both outgoing, intelligent NewYorkers who were criticized by the Press. Remember “Seward’s Folly”.
We call it Alaska.
Laurel says
Ed P: “Coalesce?’ You mean attack? Attack our best allies? Panama is already safe for Americans. So are Canada and Mexico, who are on our boarders. None of them, including Greenland, welcome this. Piss them off? Orange ideas!
So then, where do you build the next walls, Guatemala and Belize? Can’t have a wall between states and territories, now can we? Gotta tear it down, unless of course, we hack up the Constitution, which some are hoping to do.
Ed P says
Laurel,
Think bigger and more global. Investigate the 3 geopolitical areas and then we can debate.
Remember Mark Twain.
Laurel says
If thinking “bigger and more global” is attacking our best allies, I’m out. Having these countries as our allies, rather than attack them and turn them against us, is bigger and more global thinking, and safer for us.
Just more diversion and division from the King and his oligarchs.
Now, what could we gain from *assimilating* “Haitia”? It’s in the Caribbean, good weather and crystal blue water. Good place for a Trump “Haitia” Resort….but….the menu could be complicated.
Endless dark money says
Funny how people thought a bunch a billionaires cared about anything but money. We had a good run. Rest in peace merica. Elon just did the nazi salute at the White House, crazy what money can buy… just to count to a trillion it will take you
31,709.79 Years.
Al says
I think Diane was purposely dropped on her head in the delivery room. Anyway 99% of the girls in Florida are attractive and intelligent, the rest go to Florida State.
Nephew Of Uncle Sam says
This one is easily in Diane’s Top 10, love it!
Keep commenting tRumpers, your remarks are hilarious.
joe says
I’m guessing Trumpers are going to finally remove their “Back the Blue” bumper stickers now? They were bullshit anyway, but now they are an obscenity as the thug-like president has pardoned their attackers.
The dude says
The potential impact of rescinding executive order 14087 is as follows:
Halted development of cost-reduction models: The directive for the Department of Health and Human Services to develop and test new models aimed at lowering drug costs through the Center for Medicare and Medicaid Innovation has been withdrawn. This could slow or halt progress on initiatives designed to make prescription medications more affordable for beneficiaries.
Potential increase in out-of-pocket expenses: Without the implementation of new models focused on reducing costs, Medicare and Medicaid beneficiaries might continue to face high out-of-pocket expenses for prescription drugs, affecting their access to necessary medications.
Uncertainty in future drug pricing policies: The rescission creates uncertainty regarding the federal government’s approach to addressing prescription drug costs, leaving beneficiaries unsure about future measures to control or reduce these expenses.
Skibum says
Al, believe in misogyny much??? Do you allow any girls or women in your household to wear shoes, or does everyone run around barefoot like you with a knotted rope to hold your loincloth up?
joe says
“Promise Made, Promise Kept” – Trump shows his plan for bringing down your grocery prices – wasn’t that the most often stated reason for voting for him??
“President Trump on Monday signed an executive order to withdraw the United States from the Paris Agreement, the pact among almost all nations to fight climate change.”–NYT
“President Donald Trump has ordered the federal government to stop all permits for wind energy projects.”–Heatmap
“President Trump declared on Monday that his government would no longer treat the U.S.-born children of undocumented people as citizens, signaling his intent to essentially ignore the constitutional guarantee of birthright citizenship in a move that is all but certain to invite a legal challenge.”–NYT
Adopting some of the most strident anti-immigration language, Trump declares that “an invasion is ongoing at the southern border.”
Laurel says
The main reason Trump is against windmills is he hated how they looked from his golf course in Scotland. The structures bothered his view. His vindictiveness never ends. That’s the main reason Republican politicians are scared shitless of him. Gutless wonders!
Failed nation says
The fascist won. Sorry kids America is dead. Seek alternate means to communicate the resistance. Public forums are being monitored by the nazis.
Pogo says
@Diane Roberts
You’re a clever wit. Ha ha. And you’re not wrong about any of your words — but…
The commotion you’re commenting about is the show; the criminals and their crimes, like it like that.
As stated
https://www.google.com/search?q=Where+do+U.S.+refineries+get+their+oil
Laurel says
Diane does know how to push all the right buttons!
Patriot says
I Love This Article,
Trump wants to get rid of Citizen Birthright from the Constitution. The Europeans who came here that took Indigenous Tribal Land. They killed them, put them on the Trail of Tears and a push back from Indigenous Tribes here in Florida (The Seminole Wars).
Since Trump owns Land in Palm Beach his property will most definitely be turned into Beach Front Property (A place where Epstein and his younger girls would go to quite often).
He allowed 1600 pardons for the individuals who attacked the Capitol. In which as President before did not do anything for 3 hours ( I am Prior Military/veteran and I was disgusted).
Go on MSNBC and see all the documents he signed into order and you would be disgusted. There is no document saying that he wants to Lower gas prices or food prices.
Tariffs, any body in the MAGA world should have researched, will make buying goods more expensive for the Consumer including Produce, so the grocery stores will have to hike up the price. Also in other goods as well, so when it comes to buying cars, some parts come from Canada and Mexico you will see an increase in Automobile sells. If parts are coming from a Country outside the US they will also be jacked up.
He wants us to no longer be with the Worlds Health Organization. This is where we receive messages of outbreaks of viruses and diseases (I had to use this site when Deployed, as a Naval Corpsman to keep my unit safe).
Drill Baby Drill, we are already drilling but we don’t use our oil or natural gas the reasoning for this is when oil reserves dry up in the Middle East when can use ours (during WWII one of the reasons for Japan hitting Pearl was because we put sanctions on oil).
This President is delusional and again MAGA should have researched him, yes Harris would have been a better President.
Oh one more thing he wants to get rid of Trans people from our Military, they can’t have a Passport which identifies that they are Trans. And wants to get rid of DEI and Generals who are Woke. He is a convicted criminal and should have never been President again. The next 4 yrs will show he is a Tyrant, he had Tyrants at his Ingratiation, which you can see he is aligning himself with. Those who weren’t far right he didn’t invite.
Be Prepared to see a Civil War here because Trump is not going to protect those who are Militia and they will be the first to make a stance and these groups are deadly.
Laurel says
Patriot: Agreed. But I saw something more disturbing in his body language (which the Trump supporters never seem to see), and that was when he stated about the 1,600 convicted criminals being pardoned, he actually has talked himself into it. He knows damn good and well they are not “hostages.” That’s just his propaganda manipulation. But when he said “Full pardon,” he actually believes it is justified. Something is seriously amiss there. I’m not kidding, either. Something is wrong, thought process wise, to my eyes.
joe says
Reality setting in for some? This was posted on Reddit – read it and wonder how many more there are with similar experiences:
” I came here to post a personal story about cryptocurrencies. Don’t be hasty and reckless like I was. I started investing recently and was getting a good return. When Trump launched his coin, I saw an opportunity to change my life a little. My family is paying off our house and I thought that by taking out a loan and investing, I could change my family’s life and finish paying off the house.
I took out a loan of 10 thousand and put it all on Trump’s wife’s coin, I lost 7 thousand and now I have a debt that I honestly don’t know how to pay off. I’m telling this story because maybe it will serve as a lesson for someone not to do the same as I did. Be careful. It was entirely my fault for being reckless, but I learned my lesson. The initial plan was to pay off my family’s house and now I’m in debt, be very careful”
It’s good that he admits his recklessness, but as the damage begins to spread across our country, many more will finally, hopefully see the error in judgment they made following this con man.
We tried to warn you, but you didn’t want to hear it…..sadly, you will now feel it. Maybe it does have to get worse in our country before it gets better.
Endless dark money says
Nice well at least you got conned by the orange stain. Many maga tards would gladly pay for that privilege. It’s the birth of the fascist oligarchy! Already building the camps to send people! How many millions will suffer?…stay tuned…..we’re going hard Reich!