By Diane Roberts
Fellow Americans, I know that you, like me, were shocked! shocked! at the so-called “Opening Ceremonies” of the so-called “Olympics” in the Sodom that is Paris, France.
Headless ladies, heavy metal, pink feathers, drag queens, smutty scenes in a library, yellow goggle-wearing imps of Satan speaking an unintelligible foreign tongue — whatever happened to wholesome family entertainment like those synchronized salutes at the 1936 Berlin Games?
And that Last Supper scene where Jesus’ table is defiled by a blue man with grapes on his head was a demonic assault on American decency.
As a fellow from a state the French have never heard of put it, these “woke Olympics” are “not going to fly in Oklahoma.”
We need a new Olympics, a wholesome, American Olympics without the degenerates and the foreigners.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you TrumpOlympics™!
Events will include:
Political Gymnastics
Teams representing the right wing, the left wing, and whatever Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is this week, demonstrate their flexibility in executing the syntactical pretzel, the rhetorical contortion, and the flip-flop.
Contestants will be scored on the shortness of time they hold each ideological position, the position’s outlandishness, and the aesthetics of its total illogicality.
Judges give bonus scores for bald-faced lying.
Insult Marathon
This venerable sport goes all the way back to the Ancient Greeks when Plato said Socrates was a “total loser,” or maybe the early 1990s when Donald Trump got famous for calling women (particularly those who made it clear they weren’t impressed by him) “dogs,” “pigs,” “horseface,” “disgusting,” “extremely unattractive,” “low IQ,” and “nasty.”
Each competitor gets 26 minutes to deride, sneer, and lob epithets at the Enemies of America. Degree of Difficulty bonuses: People from countries that aren’t the U.S. (1 pt), Black people (3 pts), Joe Biden (5 pts), Barack Obama (7 pts), Hillary Clinton (10 pts), Greta Thunberg (12 pts), Kamala Harris (15 pts), France (16 pts), kittens (18 pts).
Golf Cart Relay
Teams of contenders race fully loaded carts (set of clubs, cooler with a 12-pack of Coors, full-sized American flag) around the Blue Monster course at Trump Doral, handing off a bottle of Trump Wine to the next driver.
Whoever gets to the water slide first wins.
Artistic Accounting
Top financial athletes invent ways for rapacious real estate grifters to inflate the value of their property, enabling them to borrow vast sums of money, yet magically shrink the value of their property for tax purposes.
This exciting event showcases how years of relentless training in leveraging, lying, and finessing bankruptcy have produced the most muscular CPAs on the planet, able to cook the books while performing a perfect arabesque standing on a pile of Benjamins.
Extra points for a beautifully executed triple plea deal.
MAGA Bible Bee
Muscular Christians vie to answer theological questions by quoting from the Trump Scriptures, demonstrating their deep knowledge of the famous Two Corinthians, the three Marys, and those misunderstood verses about money changers getting kicked out of the Temple.
(So unfair).
Utter Moral Void Diving
This is a real adrenaline rush of an event, a crowd favorite. Contenders in too-tight bathing suits bounce on the board, shout out their most shocking moral reversal, then freestyle dive into a pool of grain alcohol.
Sen. J.D. Vance, who, before he begged forgiveness from Donald Trump, had called the former president of the United States an “idiot,” “a total fraud,” and “one of USA’s most hated, villainous, douchey celebs,” is expected to medal.
His amorality and ethical flexibility have stunned fans from Hungary to Moscow.
And, of course, there’s the veteran, Donald Trump: He used to be a pro-choice Democrat.
Plastic Surgery Triathlon
One of the toughest sports in the TrumpOlympics, likely to be dominated by favorites Kimberly Guilfoyle, First Squeeze of First Son Don Trump, Jr. and Florida’s own Congressman, the oddly eyebrowed Matt Gaetz.
Hopefuls compete in the Face Lift 10K run, performing required facial muscle moves such as smiling while racing toward a tanning bed; the Liposuction Long Jump; and the silicone implant 1,500 freestyle swim.
Look for rapidly aging multi-sports specialist such as Sen. J.D. Vance (Collegiate Guyliner Tattoo Winner, Yale 2012) and members of the impressive Mar-a-Lago “Trumpettes” Botox Team to take on the established stars in 2028.
The Defenseless Animal Shotgun Challenge
South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem has long dominated the sport with her impressive puppy killing chops, but Eric (I am not dumb!) Trump and his excitable older brother have been rising in the rankings.
The Trump boys have really honed their skills mowing down endangered animals in Africa (take that, Mister Lion King!) as well as goats, ducks, deer, and anything else with a heartbeat.
The marquee event of TrumpOlympics, the one everyone will be waiting for is, of course, the:
Weird Wrestling Competition.
Strange, perverse people go to the mat with other strange, perverse people, grappling to see who is most socially awkward, generally repellent, and emotionally absent.
The audience acts as judges for this competition. It doesn’t really matter who pins who down in the match, spectators take in the peculiarity of the costumes, the gaucheness of facial hair, the peculiar skin tones, nerd vibes, and hints of fetish-embracing and make their pick for “Pretty Damn Weird,” “Seriously Weird,” and “What in the Living Hell?”
Second seed Stephen Miller, the much-decorated winner of the USA Dead Eyes Pageant (2016, 2017, 2019, 2023) and White Supremacist of the Year (2017, 2020, 2021), lost the America’s Top Weirdo title in 2023 to Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, whose disastrous presidential campaign convinced most of America that he is an odd, unappealing jerk.
But Miller wants that Weirdo title, and he wants it bad.
He’s put himself on a rigorous training regimen involving drinking the blood of virgins, a no-garlic diet, and sleeping in a coffin.
Expect him to take on all comers in an impressive field that includes Fox News’ Jesse Watters, who says that if a man votes for a woman he will “transition” into a woman; Rep. Marjorie Taylor “Jewish Space Lasers” Greene, famous for harassing school shooting survivors; and rookie J.D. Vance (that young man is making quite the name for himself!), who’s been wowing everyone, nailing dangerous moves like insulting cat-owning single women, babbling about drinking Diet Mountain Dew, and suggesting people with kids get extra votes.
Still, you don’t want to count out the veteran 14-time champ Donald J. Trump, who can blindside even the freakiest people with talk of sharks, batteries, Black jobs, uncles at MIT, Hannibal Lector, beautiful Christians, and no one ever having to vote again.
That’s galaxy class weird right there.
Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books.
Joe D says
No words…just 🤭
WELL…Maybe a few:
You forgot the traditional MUD SLINGING event that goes back to the time of Democratic Presidential candidate, John Kerry’s MILITARY career being targeted.
And if you are active duty military (reserve or otherwise) you are training because you are “at WAR,” regardless of the time you are on a battlefield…but JD Vance should get an extra 2 points for not resigning his military commission 3-6 months PRIOR to his unit being called up for combat duty, to run for Congress like Walz did. WALZ should have been able to READ MINDS if he wanted to eventually become a vice Presidential candidate, that his unit would be called to the battlefield like good ‘ol JD did…let’s give an EXTRA point for Vance in the mud slinging event (that was sarcasm). This of course in NO WAY detracts from Vance’s distinguished military service. Both Vance and Walz should be praised for their service to our Country (nothing to be said for Vance’s current boss with the “disappearing” foot bone spur, which allowed a younger DJ Trump to get a MEDICAL deferral thereby avoiding the Vietnam War draft)
Skibum says
Bravo to Diane Roberts, who once again has hit it outside the park! Might I be so bold to add one more TrumpOlumpics event? How about Ogling Daughter Synchronized Acrobatic Swimming. Competitors must be somewhat Ivanka-like in the leg department, where they hold their breath underwater while performing sexy, leg-swinging, upside-down acrobatic moves in the pool for septuagenarian, sex craved male judges who have a history of drooling over their young daughters’ legs. +10 points for the female competitor with the biggest breasts who can pop out of the water the highest at the end of their routine.
Nope says
ok, ok— if you are truly from FL, they are called “slaps” and NOT “flip flops”. Get it together when you write an article for the love of Oden, Ron Rice, Ron DiMenna, George Millay, and Frieda Zamba. You just can’t trust a journalist who doesn’t do their research. As many people as you upset per article– I expected better b/c now I’m upset like never before.
JimboXYZ says
That photo is just too disturbing & weird. The rest of the article is a defense of “weird”. Liberal Democrat extreme world on full display. I’m wondering what WW2 veterans would be thinking, knowing they went to war to save France for this nonsense ? I don’t care what these folks do at some open all night club for impaired vampires, but suggesting when the sun comes up that the rest of us have to live our lives admiring their courage to be this weird is confounding.
Toto says
Ms Roberts, you always find wonderful humor in the darkest of days! Thank goodness! Love these articles, always so spot on. Thank you for your light!
Ray W. says
Hello JimboXYZ.
I only heard my father say this once, but about 15 years before he died, I was discussing the evidence in an upcoming murder trial with my father. At one point in the evening, he paused and then angrily blurted out that he didn’t crawl into a nose turret to kill Germans so that we could have a Nazi government here.
Something tells me that more of our surviving WWII veterans are aligned with my father’s sentiment than are those aligned with your complaint.
As an aside, I took my children to an air show in, as I recall, New Smyrna Beach, where were able to get inside a restored B-24. Yes, there was a narrow tube through which the nose gunner would have to crawl to get into the nose turret.
Nephew Of Uncle Sam says
Now your going to stop eating French Fries and blame President Biden because you’re not eating French Fries.
Sherry says
@nope…. have you no sense of humor? sarcasm? fun?
You do understand that the term “flip flops” was used to make fun of trump and vance’s “flip flopping” on their BS rhetoric all over the place. “Kinda” like fish flopping on a dock in the sun after taking the hook out. Just let the animal die, right? ” The little sucker dang bent my hook.” BTW, a Democrat would save it by throwing it back in.
Diane could have used the word “slaps”. . . like what Melania should have done when her husband committed adultery with a porn star. Like E Jean Carroll should have done after trump raped and then defamed her again and again. Like Hillary Clinton should have done when he praised wikileaks for hacking the DNC and asking Putin for more. Especially since trump is now saying material from hacks “against” him should not be made public. Like trump’s daughter, Ivanka, should have done when trump made “suggestive” remarks about her.
Best of all. . . “slaps” should have happened from each and every woman in the world when trump claimed he could grab women by their “pu. . . . . s”!
I absolutely agree with those kinds of “slaps”! Right On!
Deborah Coffey says
Diane, you continue to outdo yourself. Brilliant!
Endless dark money says
Haha put the maga in charge of Olympics and they will “make it great” by allowing only rich whites to compete and just banning countries they don’t like. They will surely point fingers and avoid any accountability it’s the republican way.
Laurel says
Nope: Okay, okay, I truly am from Florida, born & raised, and I have never heard of “slaps.” They were either called “flip flops” or “zorries.” Sherry was right, however.