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Tallahassee Goes Looney Tunes Over Immigration

February 9, 2025 | FlaglerLive | 10 Comments

florida legislature immigration follies
The looney bin. (© FlaglerLive)

By Diane Roberts

Ron DeSantis is spittle-spouting, white boot-stamping, holding-his breath-till-he’s-blue, screaming-till-he’s-sick mad.

He’s toddler mad, Elmer Fudd mad: like, vewy, vewy angwy.

The Florida Legislature has defied him; dissed him; insulted him.




They showed up for the special session he demanded, gaveled in, gaveled out, and declared their own special session.

Then they trashed his hateful immigration bill and passed their own, infinitesimally less hateful, immigration bill.

The slap-fight is on, y’all.

DeSantis called the Legislature’s bill “toothless,” “grotesque,” and “weak, weak, weak.”

The Legislature, belatedly remembering they’re a co-equal branch of government, channeled their inner Bugs Bunny, and proclaimed, “Of course, you realize this means war!”

House Speaker Daniel Perez and Senate President Ben Albritton called DeSantis’ rant a “blatant lie and accused him of bullying.

Plus, he wouldn’t return their phone calls.

The governor’s bill would have made it a state crime for the undocumented to cross the sacred border of Florida, even though some will have legally sought asylum and most are not, by any stretch of the imagination, criminals.




The bill would have forced Western Union, MoneyGram, and the like to police the citizenship of anyone trying to send money abroad.

If some hapless cop failed to be sufficiently “tough” on alleged “illegals,” DeSantis would have that cop arrested.

See, DeSantis is the hero of his bill, the sheriff valiantly saving White America from the Invading Horde — including the guy mowing your lawn.

So what if that guy ends up stateless, separated from his family, or back in a country where he’s likely to be killed?

It’s not like he’s an American.

Trumpier than thou

florida phoenixDeSantis insists he’s the one to double and triple down on the Gestapo-adjacent policies hourly spewing out of the Oval Office: He’s the Trumpiest! He wakes up every morning feeling the Trumpiest!

But the Florida Legislature, knowing the Naranja Suprema de Mar-a-Lago responds best to shameless flattery, called Daddy to ask what he wanted in the bill and named it the “Tackling and Reforming Unlawful Migration Policy Act:” TRUMP.

Sycophancy is not the same as cleverness.

But never fear: It’s not like the Legislature has suddenly discovered empathy. Their bill is almost as inhumane as DeSantis’.

It strips out the remittance part and the cop-arresting part, but takes away in-state tuition for Dreamers–you don’t want to educate young people who, through no fault of their own, were brought to the US as small children.




Let them mow lawns and pick tomatoes and put up dry wall!

Oh, wait: We’re getting rid of the people who do those jobs.

Sen. Randy Fine claims it will “save” the state $45 million.

It will not. The state does not pay these students’ tuition. They pay it, just like every other Florida student.

Fine doesn’t care: His specialty is performative hatred and blue-ribbon Trump toadying, qualities which are about to get him elected to the U.S. Congress from the 6th District.

On April Fools’ Day, no less.

Egg Farmer

The main difference between the bills is that the lawmakers’ doesn’t make the governor Emperor of Immigration, as he desires.

Instead, it puts in charge one Wilton Earl Simpson, Commissioner of Agriculture.

This is a calculated slap upside the gubernatorial head.

Snarling like an enraged mole rat, DeSantis posted on the Elon Musk Cartoon Channel (aka X), “Wilton Simpson has voted to give drivers licenses and in-state tuition to illegals. He even refused to oppose allowing illegals to practice law in Florida. Do we want the fox guarding the henhouse?”

Wilton Simpson is a chicken farmer.

Simpson spat back: “I’m not the one who opposed and ran against President Trump.”

Simpson added, “DeSantis’ routine attacks on farmers don’t sit well here in Florida — and apparently not with folks across the country either.”

Mee-freaking-ow.



Torch songs

Democratic lawmakers allowed themselves a rare moment of schadenfreude mixed with music.

During a meeting in the Capitol, House Minority Leader Fentrice Driskell played Goyte’s “Somebody That I Used to Know,” calling it a great break-up song.

It goes: “Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over/But had me believing it was always something that I’d done.”

Florida Republicans are not famous for brain power, but it looks like they realize Ron DeSantis is increasingly impotent — irrelevant, even.

Donald Trump doesn’t like him.

Come 2026, he’s out of a job.

Lawmakers don’t need to suck up to him any more.

Maybe he’ll run for U.S. Senate against former Florida A.G. Ashley Moody, the woman he appointed to fill the seat of now Secretary of State Marco Rubio.

Maybe he’ll run for president in 2028, although the nation took a good look at him in 2024, and the nation said, “Oh, HELL no!”

Whatever his future, these days DeSantis is becoming shrill, declaring he’ll veto the Legislature’s bill, flying around the state (at taxpayer expense, naturally), telling Floridians to get up in their lawmakers’ faces and demand complete capitulation: “You have your marching orders.”

Any politician who dares disobey him will face a primary opponent more to the governor’s liking, bankrolled by DeSantis’ Florida Freedom Fund.

And more! He just hasn’t decided yet what other terrifying vengeance he will wreak.

DeSantis is Yosemite Sam without the rustic charm — same absurd fantasies about ridding himself of pesky varmints impeding his bid to get back into Donald Trump’s good graces, same inability to figure out how: “Don’t rush me, I’m-a-thinkin’! And my head hurts.”

diane roberts columnist Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Sue says

    February 9, 2025 at 6:16 pm

    Wow what an article!! We certainly know what you stand for. Hopefully those certain few won’t be re-elected!! Really laugh at the brain comment!! We had a no brainer in office and idiots who followed!!

  2. Skibum says

    February 9, 2025 at 11:23 pm

    I bet Gov. DeSpicable has been having late night coaching sessions with wifey since it was leaked that she is “considering” running for governor when her husband is forced by state law to give it up. I can just imagine the prompting he is giving her about smiling too much. It would be okay for her to let out little tidbits about her terrible cancer journey to evoke sympathy from voters, but if she were to run and actually win the governorship, Gov. DeSpicable must be whispering in her ear that smiles are okay only if they are red herrings to total and complete meanness in pushing legislation against immigrants, minorities, civil rights, education, libraries and other necessary bans that will show loyalty to and elicit favor from the maga lords who bankroll their election efforts.

    1
  3. Atwp says

    February 10, 2025 at 4:39 am

    While Trump is deporting thousands of immigrants, I think Musk and Trumps wife should have been first in the deport van. Are they legal American Citizens? Perhaps Trump should be deported too.

  4. Michael J Cocchiola says

    February 10, 2025 at 8:00 am

    Eeeyup… that’s soon-to-be former governor Ron DeSantis. He’s in a fight for relevancy. He knows that in 2026, he’ll be looking for a real job after President Muskrat and his sidekick Trump destroy the economy.

    Good news… there will be plenty of work in the fields, roadways, and yards of Floriduh because he has kicked out all of the professionals. Of course, since he has dismantled education in our state colleges and universities, he can teach what’s left of history and science.

    1
  5. Matt says

    February 10, 2025 at 8:31 am

    Entering our country illegally IS a crime. People who commit this crime are criminals. These two facts are indisputable.
    Illegal aliens are NOT migrants.
    Immigrants come here legally and go through the naturalization process, swearing allegiance to our nation, illegal aliens do not.

    Diane Roberts is an extreme “far left” liberal. Apparently fully indoctrinated by her time in the college system, both her perception of reality and opinion are affected accordingly.

    1
  6. Laurel says

    February 10, 2025 at 9:06 am

    “I’m a hessian without no aggression”
    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
    Dethantis, you’re dethsppppicable!

    1
  7. Laurel says

    February 10, 2025 at 11:22 am

    Y’all dropped your top story to the bottom. Ya gotta give the far right something to whine about!

    1
  8. Skibum says

    February 10, 2025 at 2:41 pm

    Michael, your right about DeSpicable needing to get another paying job come 2026, but I think he may be banking on the FL GOP helping him to keep the state governor paycheck in his family so he can continue squeezing the state’s taxpayers for money and not having to look too hard for employment while his wife takes over future efforts to ban more things here in the “free state of Florida”.

  9. Mountain Man says

    February 10, 2025 at 3:55 pm

    How about all the people that came here legally and paid thousands of dollars to be a citizen. How about all the criminals that are coming in. Not to mention that they come here to download their kids at our expense. Not to mention that the burden they are putting on our already under- staffed medical facilities. Someone needs to put a stop to this gravy train for these Illegals. That is what they are. You people were firing individuals that did not get a vaccine. These illegals walked right in with no medical checks, much less getting a vaccine. Call it what you want but this is the biggest scam that the Dems have pulled ever. What it is costing the taxpayers is sickening. Let the Governor do his job. You people have proven you can’t do the job.

    1
  10. Steve says

    February 13, 2025 at 6:34 pm

    RonDon DUHSantis is or will be no longer useful when his Term is up. Being dissed by a Super Majority has to sting.
    Good riddance

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