By Diane Roberts
This is the book wrote by me, Ronald Dion DeSantis, aged 44-½. I wanted to call it “My Struggle,” but Casey said that wasn’t a good idea. So, we gave it the title “The Courage to be Free.”
Because it’s all about courage. My courage. It’s about freedom, too: my freedom to make everybody do whatever I want. And it’s the story of my amazing, awesome, heroic life, which is endorsed by the Almighty, who made me on the Eighth Day, which I guess was a Monday.
Like the ad from my campaign says: “a family man. A man who would laugh and then sigh, and then reply with smiling eyes when his daughter says she wants to spend her life doing what dad does. So, God made a fighter.”
Me.
I was born in a log cabin I helped to build. This was in a remote frontier territory called Duval County. I might have had to make a living splitting rails and fighting bears, but my family soon moved to Dunedin. There I discovered baseball.
I am very good at baseball.
I am proud to be a native Floridian, as long as you don’t expect me to use “y’all” in a sentence, but in my soul I am a Midwesterner with the Rust Belt values of God, censorship, and no regulations. My family, humble, hard-working folk from Ohio and Pennsylvania (not the elite parts), raised me with Rust Belt values: guns, not gays; burgers, not broccoli; dogs, not cats; boxers, not briefs; baseball, not soccer.
Did I mention I am really awesome at baseball?
Maoist ping pong
My baseball talent took me to exotic places like Gulfport, Clearwater, even Jacksonville. Once me and my team played Ping-Pong against the baseball team from Taipei, Taiwan, a capitalist country full of hard-working people similar to Midwesterners except for the food.
It was then that I discovered my hatred of the Chinese Communist Party. The Taipei kids played Ping-Pong to have fun; obviously, mainland Chinese kids play to push a Maoist agenda.
Then I got into an elitist college called Yale because, in addition to being awesome at baseball, I am very smart.
[Author’s note: I know elite types from the Legacy Media will say stuff about how I keep using the word “elite,” like “bureaucratic elites,” “power-hungry elites,” “woke elites,” and “progressive elites.” Yeah: I use the word “elite,” like, 20 times in the first 12 pages of my book because real Americans hate elites, and I have a primary to win.]
Yale sucked. I showed up on my first day in shorts and flip-flops, while everybody else wore tuxedos and rode in limousines. Also, the professors were snotty, openly flaunting their reading of dirty books by communist Freidrich Engels, pornographer Toni Morrison, and a trans woman calling herself George Eliot.
It was a horrible shock to a person whose Midwestern, Rust Belt parents held down American jobs in iron, steel, and the Nielsen TV ratings industry.
At Yale, they told me I had to balance my brilliant academic achievement, my fantastic sports success, and my cultivating the sense of invented grievance which would serve me well in my future political career.
But I chose to dedicate 100 percent to all of my goals, which means I was giving 300 percent, something the elites would never understand.
Ivy elites
I worked my way through college, moving furniture, picking up trash left by elites, and retrieving balls at Yale soccer matches.
Soccer is a decadent European sport. Not like baseball.
[Author’s Note: It is true that I joined a club called “Delta Kappa Epsilon,” which some have said is elite because George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush, J. Danforth Quayle, Rutherford B. Hayes, J.P. Morgan, one of the Lehman Brothers (I forget which), and Justice Brett Kavanaugh are also Dekes. I left this out because the Legacy Media would twist it into some lie involving “fraternities” and “beer.”]
I hated Yale so much I went to Harvard for law school. Nobody told me Harvard was also elitist, also against my solid Ohio-Dunedin-America-best values, and it snowed there, too. Unlike other people, I didn’t go on vacations to the Riviera to drink with foreigners who hate our freedoms.
I went into the Navy instead. I am way taller than Tom Cruise. Don’t believe the corporate media about me wearing heels.
Anyway, back to the Navy. Sing it with me: “Highway to the DANGER ZO-O-ONE!”
I trained with the SEALS. I got some medals, which look awesome on my white uniform.
[Author’s note: I never said I was a SEAL. If some people think I implied it in the book, that’s their problem.]
As a JAG lawyer, I performed critical work at Guantánamo. In an attempt to defeat America by dying, the terrorists would go on hunger strike. We foiled their plan by pouring Ensure down their gullets.
Guess what happens when you swallow gallons of Ensure? You poop your pants like a champ!
[Author’s note: The U.N. crowd said this was “torture.” Plus, some “woke” commie media got hold of private “public documents” about my tour at Gitmo. Yes, I was an Assistant Urinalysis Coordinator.]
Wine-drinking elitists
Back stateside, I met the most righteous babe, Miss Casey Black. She was perfect, by which I mean she grew up in Ohio. With Ohio values: respect for our flag, our military, our God, and also extreme hotness.
I took her to Beef O’Brady’s and, next thing you know, we’re getting hitched at Disney
The Mouse wasn’t invited. Have you heard him talk? He’s obviously gay. And that Duck: Where are his pants?
This kind of stuff is why I took Disney down. I don’t want my children growing up in a woke country where ducks can expose themselves and princesses are “multicultural” and they cancel “The Song of the South” because of critical race theory.
Anyway, I ran for Congress, which I totally had not been planning to do ever since I was at Yale. Of course I won. But I didn’t like it. D.C. is full of wine-drinking elitists who like dinners where there are six forks, four knives, and French.
I couldn’t wait to go home to Florida, God’s paradise, and run for governor.
Of course I won. It did not have anything to do with Donald Trump (who is not that tall) endorsing me, either.
I beat a socialist Black man who called me a racist and ended unconscious and naked on the floor of a hotel room with a male escort.
I mean, I’m sorry for his family and all, but this country needs to get back to God and the Federalist Papers. This kind of thing didn’t happen in the 1780s.
Top Gov
The rest, as you know, is history. OK, some of it’s happening now, but it will be history after I win in 2024.
[Author’s note: Casey says I shouldn’t talk about that yet. But how about that campaign ad, the one where I slowly and sexily zip up my flight suit? “Top Gov!” Might use that ad again next year. And if you assume I flew fighter jets in the Navy, that’s your problem.]
Under my watch, the people of Florida are free — free to vote for me.
If you’re a drag queen, trans, an actual woman with, like, a uterus, a scientist, a woke college professor, a librarian, an Ivy League lawyer, one of those climate doomsayers, a vaccine promoter, hydroxychloroquine-hater, 1619-lover, Founding Father-disser or Democrat, you are in need of some discipline. From me.
You’re welcome.
I’m going to make America Florida, blessing the whole nation with our sprawl, our runaway insurance costs, and our blue-green algae — all of which mean people are getting rich!
Some people.
When I’m in the White House, I will protect our babies. In fact, I will appoint a baby to my cabinet.
Schoolchildren will salute the flag and report any teachers who mention Barack Obama or teaches books by communists such as Nikole Hannah-Jones.
Girls will wear dresses and white gloves (like our awesome First Lady!) and boys will wear pants and train to be soldiers with the Proud Boys.
We will repeal the 22nd Amendment.
I am chosen by God and will be president as long as I want.
Now send my PAC some money. I’m watching. God is watching.
Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books.
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starryid says
Of the many Florida Governors that have served during my 32 year Florida residency Ron DeSantis excels over everyone of them.
This great Governor is going to be a great President!
John Stove says
Worst Governor ever by far…..has done absolutely nothing to help Floridians with the property insurance issue because he is too busy shipping immigrants to other states with our tax dollars, white washing any books or history of our country, taking over Disney etc etc This helps us how?
Do your F**ing job Dumbsantis and fix Florida instead of “not running for President”…..what a loser
FROGGY says
Thanks for telling it like it is. He has turned the Sunshine State into one big FASCIST cesspool. If he should ever become President, he will do the same on a national level.
Robert Joseph Fortier says
Got some issues hey???
You DO realize that Desantis did not write this article…right?
The world is better off when people try to respect each other and work together.
I take it that is NOT your thing…
Makeitso1701 says
Give me a break! we don’t need another dictator wanna be, like the former sleaze ball don trump.
Steve says
Little thin skinned Napoleon Syndrome RonDon DuhSantis hasn’t a chance Nationally IMO. A Culture Warrior solving problems that don’t exist to appeal to a Minority base, and as much charisma as a block of wood.
Local says
Why are soooo many people moving here?
Ray W. says
No state income tax. Great weather, at least most of the time. Ability to work remotely from home. Low home prices compared to many other states. Retirement.
Other than remote work opportunities, these factors have existed for decades. If I learned that my employer would permit me to work remotely and could sell a home in Connecticut or Massachusetts for $800k and buy a similar home in Flagler County for $500k and pay less in taxes, enjoy better weather for most of the year and not pay state income tax, the decision would be simple.
None of these things have anything to do with any political party or platform. Partisan claims seldom amount to anything other than chatter. I often heard my mother announce during a political speech on the television that the speaker was simply talking to hear his head roar.
I almost forgot. FlaglerLive reports on local happenings, oddities, and news, too.
FlaglerLive is a stronger draw to this area than any governor’s policies will ever be.
You can do better, Local. You knew of these things before posting your comment. Florida in the late 60’s hit the 6 million population mark. We have more than tripled that number since then. Look at the census figures for Florida. Three million rise every 10 years, even with the ever-graying of society. People have been flocking to Florida for a long time, without regard to politicians and their transitory popularity. You remind me of the commenter from many months ago who bragged about the one million new Republican registered voters nationwide over the previous year. I pointed out that we averaged some three million new citizens each year between the 2010 and 2020 censuses. Simple math tells us that Republicans should be adding one million new registered voters, Democrats another million, and all other parties another million. Nothing much to adding that many new voters, just like it is nothing much to people deciding to move from Florida. The better argument, Local, is to comment on residents leaving California.
FROGGY says
Excellent answer and explanation for why people are moving to Florida from other blue states. It has nothing to do with Ron DeSantis.
Laurel says
Ray W.: Local stated a talking point, and will completely miss your whole comment. I stated the same response, albeit less elegantly, repeatedly, to no avail. Those here who rely on talking points, stay there no matter the logic. Often, in situations like this, if you ask them to give specific data on their point, they will disappear, only to reappear with the same illogical talking point in another article. Logic and facts do not suit them. Then, they return to their safe place which where confirmation bias resides.
Sam t says
Name one thing he’s done for the people of the working class here besides the rich and not all that banging books and religion and all that stuff because freedom he claims but anybody that says anything about him he goes after
Steve Rogers says
In your own mind. BIDEN WILL WIN IN 2024.
Wow says
Its comments like these that show you whats wrong with this place, not once was biden mentioned, yet here you are! Lol
erobot says
So he really is a Skull and Boner! Hilarious on Steroids.
Bartholomew says
‘Boxers not briefs” hmmmm depends
Jimbo99 says
Maybe FL got it right, but only by 34K votes ? Unfortunate Diane Roberts didn’t get the Governor she wanted over the past 5 years. Maybe she should research the alternative and we all should consider ourselves fortunate to have avoided Gillum as Governor of FL. The travesty is how close Gillum was able to get to being elected as a legitimate candidate A fate this nation was unable to avoid with Biden-Harris elected as POTUS-VPOTUS.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrew_Gillum
Sam t says
Read more
don miller says
diane roberts:::: born in the city , educated in the city that is the most political liberal bastion run by myopic Dems. who actually thought their Mayor Gillum was a good idea even when he was being investigated for bribery. I would not be making fun of the man that just proved his point by mopping the floor with Charlie Crist and rest of the Dems last Nov.. A man that has done more to serve his country and state than your poorly conceived attempt at sarcasm will ever achieve.
J. Red06712 says
He says he went to Yale. That costs approx. 75 thousand a year in the year he attended. And he did 4 years. About 300 thousand for 4 years. So who paid? It states he worked his way through school and the jobs he stated does not pay big bucks. So who paid for his tuition? If he received a scholarship, he would have told the world about it and yet there is nothing. So does anyone know how his college days were paid for? Harvard is not cheap neither.
Robert Joseph Fortier says
The story is not written by desantis…it is a joke…a game from the other side.
Nancy says
Hey! J Redo6712…you know he didn’t write this don’t you. This is a joke by some leftist writer who doesn’t like our great governor. You know, the one who kept Floridians free during covid when blue states locked their businesses and citizens down.
Laurel says
Robert and Nancy: We ALL know he didn’t write this! Why would anyone think otherwise? He is too busy rudely interrupting journalists trying to question him while he runs around the county trying to make money on his book, and unofficially run for President instead of governing Florida (maybe that’s a good thing).
FROGGY says
Well said and totally agree. Ron DeSantis is all about his autocratic self and could care less with solving the real everyday issues and problems that face Floridians.
Teresa Kvachuk says
She never disappoints!
Too true to be funny says
This is the book wrote by me – hahahahahaha
Sherry says
I caught that also. . . such extremely poor grammar is indicative of the man’s very expensive (where did that $$$ come from?) “Yale” education. Horrific, ignorant, inhumane, fascist Governor!!!
O N says
This is not far from the truth, I imagine! Except the part that he’s creating freedom in Florida! Yes, free to vote for him only. Free to agree and so what he’s says in Florida or else! Free to think and read as long as he chooses what to think and read, or else! Another white man making decisions for us bc we can’t be trusted to make good decisions on our own! Only he’s right and we are all wrong, unless, of course, we kiss his ring and say, yes sir! Whatever you say! He thinks this is winning. We know better, but he can’t win! We must win!
Algernon says
Thank you, Diane Roberts, for your biting sarcasm. The subject of your article deserves it.
Thank you Editor of Flagler Live, for including such a wonderful National Public Radio commentator in our local and regional reading recommendations.
Methinks the Governor takes himself a bit too seriously. I met him one day when he was in Palm Coast maybe 10 years ago, and tried to make conversation about another member of Congress, a Republican, I had long known and respected, thinking that subject might interest him about a fellow member. As it was, he kept looking over my shoulder for someone more important to meet. I’ve been trying to wash him off my right hand, the one he shook, since that day…
Babs says
LOL. Kudos to the author.
YankeeExPat says
As to protocal , should ‘nt his book be banned from Flagler County’s children trusting little eyes !
The prremise is way too WOKE for my little Elmer, thats for sure !
Donald J Trump says
Please let me know when he or any of his family members die, I want to make sure I can schedule time to piss on their graves.
JEK says
Two thumbs up!!!
Shark says
He kissed Bidens rump for hurricane aid and yet he voted against aid to New York and New Jersey for hurricane Sand. Just a mini t=rump !!!!
Philip says
Diane Roberts, well done. Every time RD says The Free State of Florida, I wonder what his definition of Free is.
Pogo says
@Diane Roberts
“…I trained with the SEALS…” Does talking to the Blue Angels, after they fly over a speedway where you cheer for a driver who autographed a picture for you, count as training with them? Maybe Top Gump — but sure as hell not Top Gun.
Not even comfort girls like these chicks tell that lie:
https://thegunzone.com/was-ron-desantis-a-navy-seal/
But these things are real — and a crime in the country I live in:
stolen valor
https://www.google.com/search?q=stolen+valor
wire fraud
https://www.google.com/search?q=wire+fraud
Moody, get off your knees and get to work.
Pogo says
@Diane Roberts
P.S.
I know you were kidding. desantis, as we know, isn’t.
Geezer says
Ron DeSantis is a talented governor, a manof many accomplishments!
Mr. DeSantis has released a collection of his favorite song covers: From Me To You by Ron DeSantis.
Track listing:
1- She Passes Wind
2- I am Stupid (Hear me roar)
3- Hitler on The Roof Medley
(Old Klan Children’s Ditty)
4- Stupid-Ass is Coming To Town (From the Christmas Collection, 2021)
5- Killing Me Softly With My Own Song
6- This Reich Is Your Reich(Apologies To Pete Seeger)
7- Danke Schoen (With The Aryan Nation Singers)
8- Lester Maddox Goes To Home Depot
9- The Great Pretender (Yes, I’m the)
10 Theme From Love Story (Duet With Vladimir Putin)
BONUS TRACKS REMASTERED11 There’s A Bathroom On The Right
(Bad Moon Rising Variations)
12 Ramblin’ Man(With the Hitler Youth Chorus)
13 The Echos in My Head(Sung to The Windmills of your Mind Melody)
14 I love You More (When you belch)
Geezer says
I apologize, try as I might, my text formatting doesn’t display correctly.
Probably a coding error on my part…
Deborah Coffey says
Doesn’t matter. It’s a great laugh. And, God knows we need one.
Steve Ward says
Well done thx for the laugh 😂
David Schaefer says
15. I just love Trump.
Steve Rogers says
Gov. DeEliteIvy is awesome! When is the next book burning?
Been There says
Oh!!!! Let’s organize one.
JK, I don’t subscribe to the same fascit control methods he does. If anyone doesn’t know the definition of fascism, liberalism isn’t it.
Fascism is a political philosophy, movement, or regime (such as that of the Fascisti) that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.
Sound familiar?
Jimmy59 says
Worse Governors in Florida History. turning Florida into a dictatorship. Dumbsantis and the State legislatures should be handling the major issues within Florida like cost of living, taxes, utilities and especially insurance. All the types of businesses paying into their elections and getting the results they wanted on the backs of Floridians. Deal with real issues instead of playing the school books games that local leaders should be handling, who cares who is gay or nor, abortion is a personal right not yours.
What happen to the millions your wife collected after the hurricane??? Not one finding of giving that money to the areas that need it.
This guys a joke and I hope Florida wakes up soon and stop bending the knee.
Downtown says
Yes, Ron has sure changed FL into a sh–hole state. Guess that’s why people from across these United States and around the World are beating a path to the Sunshine State. Sad to think that all those people from NY and CA want to live under a dictator. Also sad to see so many not happy and without means to vacate. Maybe Ron can get you a seat on the next buss load of illegals he sends north
Jonathan says
He is out for himself. He doesn’t care about the people in Florida or their safety all he craves is power and to be a second in line dictator from Florida.
joseph falis says
Come on man, he is a legend in his own mind ! Will Representative Santos from NY be his VP choice ? Another legend in his own in his own mind ?
Laurel says
Joseph: Ain’t that something, that Republican Santos is still in Congress? Shows where their heads are at these days.
I think that maybe the one thing our forefathers did wrong, and I do get the logic behind it, but I think they should have gone for the popular vote instead of the Electoral College.
It’s so amusing that DeSantis and Trump fans are turned on by the statements against the “elite.” Especially “coastal elite.” how does one be more coastal elite than Harvard, Yale and Mar-A-Lago? So many “Joe Six packs” actually think these guys are for them. Wow. Being a grifter today is easier than it’s ever been.
Being a cult leader is certainly up there too.
Flaglergal says
FOR THOSE WHO ARE COMMENTING PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE READ WHO WROTE THIS. IT WAS NOT OUR GREAT GOVERNOR BUT A SATIRE WRITTEN BY. …..
Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee. Educated at Florida Stateniversity and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books.
Laurel says
Flaglergal: Oh my God…these comments explain a lot.
Geezer says
Now, who’s the satirist—you?
Your “GREAT GOVERNOR” is a stupid-looking bigot-pandering clown.
Say “Hi” to the folks at your Klavern.
Doxyy says
Had me at “my struggle”….nice touch.