By Diane Roberts
Ejucashun! Ain’t just for students and teachers any more.
No, sir: We, the white, God-fearing, Trump-loving, Tucker-watching moms and dads of America are getting our own selves involved in the book-learning process, and if we have to crack a few heads and tweet out a few death threats, we will.
It was bad enough when a bunch of trans-loving, Jesus-shunning school boards in Florida counties with way too many libs living there defied our governor and told the young ’uns they had to mask up to go to school.
Just because some kids have supposedly died of the ’rona virus.
At least, that’s what the lying media want you to believe.
Anyway, children die all the time, falling down wells, abducted by pizza-eating Democrat pedos, trampled by wild cattle, or fooling around with Daddy’s Glock G19.
Unlike these school boards, Florida’s surgeon general nominee has his head on straight. Sure, there are all these so-called studies that show getting the vax and wearing a mask cut down on COVID transmission, but our governor’s doc told us just what we wanted to hear: 1. Vaccines are “nothing special;” 2. Why not take hydroxychloroquine or horse de-wormer? What have you got to lose? 3. Masks are a communist plot.
That brave Dr. Ladapo showed fuss-bunny Democrat Sen. Tina Polsky who was boss, refusing to mask up in her office, even though she has cancer and is undergoing radiotherapy.
Hey, lady: Our freedoms are more important than your compromised immune system.
We don’t want our kids wearing face condoms, either, any more than we want them to actually know what a condom is.
So, don’t be surprised if we show up at your school board meeting ready to rock ‘n’ roll.
Some lib on the Brevard County School Board found out that we’re not kidding about this. We called the Dept. of Children and Families on her, said she was abusing her kid. We killed her grass. We chopped down her plumeria.
And — this is pretty awesome — one of us coughed in her face, you know, to maybe give her COVID.
The Proud Boys helped us out in Sarasota, when we showed up in front of school board chair Shirley Brown’s house with bullhorns and sirens after she went all-in on mask mandates.
We’ve busted up school board meetings in Duval, Orange, Alachua, Palm Beach, Leon — all those coward counties that forced our precious babies to wear a mask.
Now Joe Biden is bringing the jackbooted hand of the Deep State slap down on us, sending the FBI to investigate private citizen Americans for nothing more than a few harassing phone calls, violent texts, vandalism, and some pushing and shoving.
If these school board socialists can’t take it, they should move to California.
This here is a nation-wide uprising, a rebel yell against government schools with their pro-Fauci, anti-America bullcrap.
Look at Tennessee: We chased a bunch of doctors and nurses who wanted to force masks on our kids out into the parking lot and told them, “We’re coming for you.”
Look at Virginia: We’re getting dirty books like “The Bluest Eye” and “Beloved,” by so-called “Nobel Prize” winner Toni Morrison, plus other pornographic stuff by black radicals like John Lewis and Ernest Gaines, banned from our schools.
And before you ask, no, we haven’t read that filthy junk. We already know it’s bad.
Same in Texas: The Legislature there is investigating twisted commie literature like “The Handmaid’s Tale,” “The Confessions of Nat Turner,” and “The Cider House Rules,” which will lead our youth to think that women should not be submissive, to think that slaves should revolt against their masters, and even think that doctors who perform abortions are not Satan’s minions on earth.
If we had our way, our youth won’t think at all.
Praise Jesus, here in Florida our governor has decreed that there will be no “The 1619 Project,” and none of that Critical Race Theory making our sweet white children hate themselves, their mamas and daddies, and their great-great-grandparents, who happened to belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
In Florida, young ’uns will learn the truth: That American history is about “the creation of a new nation based largely on universal principles stated in the Declaration of Independence.”
Universal principles we still hold dear, such as black folks knowing their place and white men being head of the family, and God making Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
In Florida, children will salute the flag. Children will recite how America is the greatest country in the world. Children will live mask-free or die.
This, you pinko wokesters, is liberty.
Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books.
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wow says
No one in Florida has read 1984? Where we rewrite history every now and then and burn the old books.
“All that Oceania’s [Florida’s] citizens know about the world is whatever the [Republican] Party wants them to know, so how the world evolved into the three states is unknown; and it is also unknown to the reader whether they actually exist in the novel’s reality, or whether they are a storyline invented by the [Republican] Party to advance social control.” Sounds scary. Nothing goes away by ignoring it, folks. Happy “White” washing day.
Steve Robinson says
Love this, although the folks she lampoons won’t get the irony. They’ll just nod dumbly and say, “Sounds about right to me.”
Setting aside the non-issue of critical race theory, someone might remind DeSantis that the KKK had about as much use for Catholics of Italian descent as it did for black people.
marty barrett says
So excellent!
Jane says
Yes- let’s just “whitewash” our history. Because the truth hurts and “snowflakes” don’t like getting their itty-bitty feelings hurt!
Dennis C Rathsam says
POPPYCOCK!!!!
Jack says
Beautiful piece of writing! These far right republicans believe in freedom all right, as long as it’s THEIR freedom as the way they see it.
How in the world did our country get this messed up?
Sue Ann says
BRAVO!
Sue Ann says
Bravo, Diane Roberts! You nailed it.
Just Saying says
A brilliant piece of satire. As Steve said above, “the folks she lampoons won’t get the irony.” That is the deeply saddening truth. I am so glad I am not raising any young children in this current state of affairs.
Florida Voter says
font = sarcasm
We Liberal Pinko Demonrats might see some of our delusions reflected in what I wrote on March 3, 2017 (article: “Jim Landon’s Fake News”). I guess I underestimated steps 4 and 5 and over estimated step 8 … as I see my world.
font = regular
… again, 2017.
—————–
Step 1: erode the public’s confidence in a Free Press
Step 2: lie about large and small issues so many time that the public will start to believe any information from any source
Step 3: alienate a segment of the population turning them into “the enemy”
Step 4: use “the enemy” to remove freedoms and individual dignity
Step 5: erode the public’s confidence in branches of the government trying to check the administration’s power (“so called judges” anyone?)
Step 6: decrease oversight of the police / military
Step 7: appoint Generals to posts traditionally use as civilian checks on military power
Step 8: greatly increase military budget and power
Step 9: use the military to start policing the People
There you have a new totalitarianism regime
—————–
What a WHINER says
I’m going to send her a block of cheese to go along with all her WHINING !!!!!!
Stephen J Smith says
“If we had our way, our youth won’t think at all.” Best line of the article. Easy to wonder today if there isn’t some truth to it. Who’s this “we”?
bob says
Flori-duh
Dave says
Loved this so much, I read it to my non-binary emotional support Iguana twice!
mike kelley says
This is exactly the type of snide diatribe which divides each of us from the other. Having a D or an R on your voter card does not mean polite dictation of our views should be abandoned. We all need to learn how to communicate again, with acceptance of our varying viewpoints without condemnation.
Protonbeam says
Irony? Is that what we call hateful, racist stereotype filled diatribes when we agree with them?
The real irony is the writer claims her pedigree as an “8th generation Floridian” as that claim gives her some ascendency – so she apparently places herself on the same plain as first people’s of Florida….if she really had the courage of conviction of her own beliefs ….as she should say …“how mighty white of her”.
Deborah Coffey says
Fabulous! “If we had our way, our youth won’t think at all.” And, that is exactly the Republican plan. Believers can be completely controlled; thinkers can’t. It is so sad to realize how many Americans are incapable of using critical thinking skills and that these same people are such poor judges of a person’s character. How does one even wrap his/her mind around the fact that millions of Americans actually “believe” that Donald J. Trump and Ron DeSantis are a great men that deeply care about them? I guess “there are none so blind as those who WILL NOT see.”
Mel Soyberg says
My wife’s boyfriend is on of these types. He made some joke the other day about voting for DeSantis again in the next election and it really fell flat with me. I’m going to have to have a talk with her about continuing her relationship with him.
A.j says
WOW, don’t wear masks, don’t get the vaccine. Don’t invite me to your funeral because Im too busy helping people get the truth about the Repubs.
MikeM says
CRT is not learning it is indoctrination.
Reading , writing, and arithmetic is learning. CRT has no place being taught in K through 12. If it has to be taught , teach it in college . At least an adult mind can discern what is real and what is BS.
joseph says
” a new totalitarian regime ” ??? or the new American Nazi Party ??? or Radical Republican ???
Jp says
It’s also not taught in grades K-12. It is a college course.