The Apostle Ron DeSantis

By Celia Rivenbark

Is anyone surprised Ron DeSantis said recently he wished he could have been one of the Apostles? Here’s the Good News, Ron. You don’t have to sigh moonily in a TV interview about what could’ve been.

No! Real discipleship is as close as your nearest food pantry and soup kitchen. It’s as close as the shelters offering sanctuary to victims of domestic violence, human trafficking and hate crimes for just being who they are…Dare I say it, Ron…it’s as near as the border where asylum-seekers are used as political pawns and dropped onto cold sidewalks for a photo opp.




That’s right, Ron! Your lamentations are unnecessary! Cast off that hair shirt and become a modern-day disciple! But wait! There’s more Good News! You can start today. You don’t have to be sad that you missed the boat, so to speak, by not being around 2,000 years ago. You can be a fisher of men today! (And women, of course, but I didn’t wanna scare you.)

To see your eyes all lit up like that talking about how wonderful it would be to learn how to “be” from Jesus himself, well, it was quite compelling. Or something.

Cynics are saying you would say just about anything to make sure the Evangelical voting bloc supports you for president. Including saying on national TV you want, more than anything, to follow the teachings of a dark-skinned itinerant carpenter who spent all day advocating for poor folks.

Hey, that’s what you said. You honestly would chuck it all, the fame, the fortune, the fresh-squeezed orange juice at the mansion every morning if you could just become one of the starting 12. Sure, it sounds a little “left Coast” to admire someone whose entire life was all about easing the suffering of the least of these, but you’ll figure something out.

Listening to aspiring Disciple DeSantis describe his desire for a closer walk with someone who eschewed money and power every single time in favor of the “meek” was heartening to say the least. Good on you, Ron!




Now here’s the part where a naysayer would say: “That’s not what he meant! The Lord helps those who help themselves.”

And naysayers, as usual, are wrong. That’s why they have such a silly name. While Jesus was a fan of a good work ethic, he understood equity.

Ron, as an aspiring Apostle, you will toss that old playbook of misogyny and meanness onto the fire where it will smolder with the ashes of science textbooks and anything about two daddies. You will create a new playbook in which you put Christian principles in action instead of school principals in jail.

Ron 2.0 is gonna be…woke! No longer will woke go to die in Florida! Disciple Ron will know being woke is a good thing, not just something to be hissed at a teleprompter by some shiny face on Fox.




Jesus knew that 2,000 years ago and tried to make nice. Spoiler alert: It did NOT go over well with the big wigs so Disciple Ron will need to be prepared for a bit of a backlash.

Jesus wasn’t a fan of false prophets so DeSaintus might want to avoid some of the, er, less committed folks in the spotlight. Like Lauren Boebert. She likes to give pop-up sermons wherever two or more cameras are gathered but her messages are…dumb. Like how Jesus could’ve escaped his awful fate if he’d had enough AR-15s. I know what you’re thinking: “She’s possibly the worst human on earth”. No? Perhaps, then: “Pretty sure, AR-15s weren’t invented yet and, well, the whole point was he allowed himself to be crucified to atone for the sins of all humanity.” Heavy stuff, I know.

But Disciple Ron, you got this. Now go forth and not prosper.

Celia Rivenbark is a New York Times-bestselling author and columnist. Write her at [email protected].