By Diane Roberts
Our Beloved Southland is once again under attack by ignorant, nasty Yankees who do not understand Our Way of Life.
Unschooled in Decency and Decorum they will even attack a lady.
During a recent New Hampshire town hall, some fellow (probably a Union spy) accosted Gov. Miss Nikki Haley with an impertinent question about what caused the War Between the States.
Gov. Miss Nikki informed him it was all about freedom and how “the government was intended to secure the rights and freedoms of the people.”
Especially the right and freedom of people to own other people and ignore federal law which is, you will surely agree, the American Way.
The rude man insisted Gov. Miss Nikki address “slavery.”
So terribly rude.
Here below Mr. Mason’s and Mr. Dixon’s line, we prefer not to discuss “slavery” unless we are enlightening the ignorant about how it was Not That Bad.
Gov. Miss Nikki knows her history, no matter what those Outside Agitators might say. South Carolina proclaimed itself sovereign in 1860: “a separate and independent State; with full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other acts and things which independent States may of right do.”
South Carolina voters declared that under Abraham Lincoln, “the slaveholding States will no longer have the power of self-government, or self-protection.”
It is true that only certain land-owning white men could vote back then, but surely all the ladies and those Faithful Servants down on the plantation would have agreed with the gentlemen who removed South Carolina from the Union.
Freedom! At least, freedom for the right people. What’s more American than that?
Nonsense
Really, there’s So Much Nonsense talked about slavery.
In Florida (third state to secede!) children rightly learn “slaves developed skills which, in some instances, could be applied for their personal benefit.”
You have only to read Miss Margaret Mitchell’s brilliant and perfectly accurate novel to see the Truth of this. Mammy, for example, gained such great upper body strength pulling corset strings that, post-The Late Unpleasantness, she earned a little pocket money making sure Miss Scarlett could still achieve the 17-inch waist so prized by Our Southern Ladies.
And what about athletic prowess? Many of those who had African ancestry became sprinters escaping slave patrols, as well as excellent long-distance runners fleeing (for some reason) their plantation homes and the kindly white folks who gave them Everything.
This explains why you see so many of their descendants in the Olympics.
Those influenced by Yankee Education sometimes claim that Africans already had valuable skills when they got on the boat for their free trip to America: metal-working, carpentry, and rice cultivation.
Fiddle-dee-dee: How difficult can it be to grow rice? You just throw it in some water. right?
If you think about it, the South’s Peculiar Institution was really a jobs program for immigrant Africans.
Of course, nobody ever says thank you.
No, instead they attack Our Culture and desecrate Our Monuments.
They melted down a bronze statue of Our Beloved Marse Robert astride Traveler, his Noble Steed.
They banished St. Augustine’s own Gen. Edmund Kirby Smith, one of Florida’s two statues in the U.S. Capitol, and replaced him with Mary McLeod Bethune.
She founded a college and was, no doubt, a Credit to Her People, but hardly comparable to the hero who helped lead the 1862 invasion of Kentucky.
Fallen tribute
Now the mayor of Jacksonville has taken down the last Confederate memorial in that once-proud city.
Under the cover of morning on Dec. 28, Mayor Donna Deegan’s hired Philistines arrived to remove the Tribute to the Women of the Southern Confederacy from the park where it had rested peacefully since 1915.
First to go was the bronze goddess bearing the Flag of the Southland 1861-1865, then the statue of a sweet Southern Mother reading to her children.
These Works of Art were erected only 50 years after the War of Southern Independence ended, not to remind Black folks they were second-class citizens — we had Jim Crow laws for that — but to celebrate the valiant ladies who “sacrificed their all upon their country’s altar.”
Jacksonville, named for the great general who liberated our best cotton land from the so-called Native Americans who seemed to think they had some rights to it, used to Honor its Heritage.
There are at least a dozen sites dedicated to the War of Southern Liberation, including the site in the St. Johns River where Confederate mines sank the “Maple Leaf,” a Union ship; the site of Camp Captain Mooney where seven gallant soldiers in gray were cut down by Billy Yanks retreating from their fanny-whooping at the Battle of Olustee in February 1864; and, most importantly, the Museum of Southern History, where you can go and learn the Real Story.
The Museum was founded in 1975 by the Sons of Confederate Veterans to counter Fake News about “the Antebellum South, a unique civilization.”
Belittlers
Like so many of us here in Dixie, that civilization, now tragically Gone with the Wind, is “misunderstood by many, belittled and misrepresented by some, but deeply revered by the grateful descendants of the brave men and women whose sacrifices and dedication to a cause created a chapter in our nation’s history.”
Yet despite the best efforts of those who would destroy our glorious birthright, Florida has some Manly Men who rise up and vow, This Aggression Will Not Stand.
Men like our brave governor. Challenged by a Yankee reporter about whether schools in Florida taught the so-called “evils” of slavery, he fought back.
History as taught in Florida is “accurate,” and anyone who says otherwise should shut up with their Wicked Prevarications.
Gov. DeSantis deplored Jacksonville’s insult to the Ladies who Resisted the Invaders from the North: “I’m opposed to taking down statues,” he said. “The idea that we’re going to just erase history is wrong.”
But deliverance is at hand, Southrons! Like Gen. George Pickett charging over Cemetery Hill at Gettysburg, Rep. Dean Black has now put forth a bill (HB 395) for the 2024 legislative session to stop the Desecration of Our Patrimony. Removing monuments will be a Crime. Those who pull them down will have to put them back up on their Own Dime.
The law will be retroactive to 2017, which means the statue of Tallahassee’s Beloved Francis Eppes, planter and founder (kind of) of Florida State University — where folks know what it’s like to be Defeated by a Cruel Enemy with Unfair Advantages such as an industrial economy able to manufacture munitions or a dominant defensive line — may be returned to campus.
Naysayers
When naysayers like Rep. Angie Nixon say things like, “We should not be uplifting losers who wanted to keep my people enslaved,” it just demonstrates the damage done by Woke Schools.
They teach that Reconstruction, when some freed slaves started voting before white people had a chance to educate them on proper decorum, was some kind of attempt to make the “all men created equal” thing a reality.
And that in 1861 Southern white folks weren’t asserting their Rights as Americans but engaging in an insurrection against the United States government.
Oh, Contrary to all of that! Reconstruction forced literally hundreds of the great plantation families of the South into poverty. These were cultured people whose judicious use of free labor enabled them to own fine furniture and nice silver, which their slaves enjoyed polishing.
The states had every right to disassociate themselves from the power-crazed lefties who took office in 1860. Anyway, Lincoln probably stole that election.
Now can I get a Rebel Yell?
Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books.
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dan says
not enough killing going on for you. Printing these types of articles only stir up more racial feelings in this county. Damn, ain’t there enough people being beat up on both sides of the fence. How bout this, if you cannot say it to make someone happy and bring a smile to their face then don’t print it.
Sherry says
@dan. . . Now, don’t you use up all that there “whitewash” you got from FOX in one place, ya hear?
TR says
I agree, everyone says we should get rid of racism, but the people who continue to use it for whatever reason is the reason it will never go away. There are some people in this world who at ever chance they get will use the race card even though the situation has noting to do with race. I have run into this a few times in the past year and it seems it’s getting worse in the past 7 years and IMO it really started when the riots all started back then and it was pushed by certain people. One person that comes to mind is Maxine Waters.
Bill C says
Don’t forget about Clarence Thomas who used the race card when his nomination to the Supreme Court was floundering. He described the confirmation hearings as “a high-tech lynching for uppity blacks who in any way deign to think for themselves, to do for themselves, to have different ideas. You will be lynched, destroyed, caricatured by a committee of the U.S. Senate, rather than hung from a tree.”
James says
Black people, the descendant’s of African slaves in the USA get reminded everyday of the horrible history they have faced by the fact that no, they weren’t born into slavery but that slave owning non African last name they have to walk around with is still here.
Deborah Coffey says
Lol. Most of us like living in reality and truth. La-la land is for those who can’t face those facts. Diane is an expert writer of satire. BTW, the “racial feelings” in our country are already stirred up…by the racists themselves.
Ribs says
I was smiling through the whole article. Was LOL. So I guess she did right to print it according to your logig.
Joan Riley says
A tongue in cheek article which exposes some of southern myths. Enjoyed the writer’s gifts exposing the nonsense our governor and others have swallowed to prevent accepting historic accountability.
Ed P says
Whilst we is on the subject of slavery Ms Diane, would you look into the chiltrens of the Congo slavin to find cobalt for alls our lithium powered vehicles?
Ray W. says
Wow! What an exhibition of seriously flawed reasoning!
Ed P says
How so? No reasoning involved. A tongue in cheek response to her sarcastic rendition.
Bringing up a current unrelated subject on slavery. One that importantly should be addressed as opposed to berating us over a heinous historic period of slavery from 150 years+ ago or the idea that anyone is trying to hide the facts.
Do we continue to parse words and look at every sentence through a lease of misconception, looking for nonexistent dog whistles?
Politicians are actually that smart.
Ed P says
Correction, last sentence.
Are politicians actually that smart?
Ray W. says
I hoped you would ask.
When a prosecutor, using a sale of cocaine case as an example, I targeted specific people with specific crimes. In trial, I focused on that evidence necessary to prove the elements of the charge. I would never have dreamt of arguing to a jury, much less to a judge, that heroin was sold in France. Whether heroin was sold in France was irrelevant to the issue before the court.
You intimated the existence of a flaw in Mr. Roberts’ focused satirical challenge because she did not cast a net wide enough to cover a different subject matter and you employed a very old writing technique to suggest that she needed to address your personal boogeymen.
Ms. Roberts aimed at a uniquely American racial issue, admittedly but one of many different racial issues that remain problematic around the world. You tried to change the subject matter to a different and very serious issue, but you used a denigrating approach. So, I denigrated you. You don’t like being denigrated. Okay. You tried to cast aspersions on me. Okay. Your reasoning is still seriously flawed. Ms. Roberts does not need to focus on lithium mining in the Congo to make her point.
Kat says
I hope you can hear me clapping. And I truly mean it, I am not being facetious.
RobdaSlob says
While I agree with you Ray that fighting audacity with audacity is of no value, the problem Ray is satire as written by Dianne is intended to denigrate and ridicule.
In my mind it would be more effective to talk fact rather than satire. E.g.
– Yes Florida was 3rd to join the Confederacy.
– The state had by best estimates a whopping 140,000 residents roughly half were slaves.
– Yes it was about slavery for Florida – in the Convention of the People of Florida to determine secession or not – 51 of the 69 attendees were slave holders. Side observation: Interestingly enough only 7 of the 69 were natives – so perhaps some would say an early example of people north of I-10 ruining the state.
Relative to the war Florida only provided 14,000 troops to the confederacy and about 2,000 to the union. There were by estimates a confederate army of around a million – so 14k is pretty small minority. So when one says their kin fought for Florida/Confederacy I always think – really, you are an elite crowd. The state is generally considered a supplier to the war efforts – of critical significance salt.
These types of facts really start to dispel some of the myths and neutralizes some of the argument and quite frankly makes it a more productive discussion. Satire does the opposite but probably gets a lot more clicks and a lot more comments.
Sherry says
@robdaslob. . . While I absolutely agree with you that sober discussions beginning with credentialled facts is essential to intelligent discourse, there is a meaningful place for the wonderful satire of the Diane Roberts of this world.
Beyond the entertainment value, consider the possibility that such irreverent commentary speaks to the millions of those who live by emotion rather than intellect. They may actually be so emotionally stirred up by such satire that their brain cells are activated to research and retort. Wouldn’t that be a good thing? :)
RobdaSlob says
Sherry jokes and stereotypes about women, minorities, various religions, etc. were once considered entertaining. But now we recognize the harm they do because they denigrate and belittle. Quite frankly Dianne is doing the same thing… it’s OK that I make satire (jokes) about Florida southerners because I’m an eighth generation Floridian….
Ray W. says
Excellent points. Thank you, RobdaSlob. Everybody knows something that I don’t know. I appreciate your effort to educate and entertain.
Sherry says
Thank you, Ray. . . a simply great response!
Bill C says
A throwback to minstrel show language of post-Reconstruction America used as a tool to degrade and dehumanize
ex-slaves in order to bolster the belief in white supremacy.
Ed P says
My comment was that of a southern uneducated hayseed or bumpkin. It never crossed my mind that it would be perceived as you stated. It was meant to be sarcastic.
You have to stop looking at everything through the prism of demonizing the right and trying to define everything as something else. At the very least, consider that not every conservative is ( you fill in the blank)
The dude says
There are very few actual southerners in Floriduh. You here more Jersey accents here these days than you do in Newark.
Max Freedom says
Slavery 150 years ago was terrible .. but it was 150 years ago, and it was not only a USA problem .. it was a WORLD-WIDE problem. The entire world was coming out of the DARK ages back then. The *DARK* ages. Thankfully, we live in a different age today.
Too bad some continually need to dwell on it “ad-nauseum” to stoke racial tensions for political purposes. No-one should anyone be held responsible for what their father did … nevermind what their ancient ancestors might or might not have done in a different era.
Treat people by the content of their character .. not the color of their skin. That was MLK’s dream and every American should support it .. but remember that road is not a one-way street, either.
Nancy N. says
“ancient” history? Believe it or not, the last Civil War widows only died since the turn of the 21st century. There are people alive today whose grandparents were born slaves. I’m in my early 50’s…my parents grew up in an era of Jim Crow and segregated schools.
Not to mention, you’re fooling yourself if you think today is that much different. Racism is still very much alive and well in this country. We’ve just put some lipstick on that pig and pretended not to notice it’s still a pig.
Sherry says
Right On Nancy!
Geri says
I do not personally take responsibility for the evils of my ancestors, but I acknowledge the many advantages given to whites over blacks in America for hundreds of years. Slavery was followed by many decades in which black people were routinely lynched for minor infractions and/or without trial, held back from owning homes because FHA programs offered assistance only in white neighborhoods, sent to separate and very unequal schools even after their parents fought in our overseas wars, obstructed from exercising their right to vote, imprisoned for minor crimes that white people received little to no punishment for, and beaten and shot by police who were almost never charged until the recent proliferation of cameras brought it into the undeniable light. Teaching truth about this is not “dwelling on it ad nauseum”. It provides context for understanding the obstacles that black people have experienced for generations while trying to build financial security for their families. If learning that makes some people uncomfortable, too bad. Banning books and constraining teachers from telling the truth about history is the real stoker of racial tensions, and yes, for political purposes.
Kat says
I was basically going to say the same thing, thank you for pointing out these facts.
Sherry says
Thank you so much, Geri, for your very accurate portrayal of the struggle of those still dealing with “systemic racism” TODAY and EVERYDAY!
What he said says
You Said it Max. Happy MLK Day!
Evan Collins says
Segregation was alive and well in SC in the 1980’s. Now they just do it with crappy public schools for most while the rest go to a myriad of second rate private schools.
Sherry says
@max. . . Human’s inhumanity is not caused by the “speaking” of it, but by the “doing” of it!
I’m thinking that the sand where your head is must be pretty gritty tasting. My guess it that it is a FOX hole.
As a recruiter for over 20 years, I can tell you first hand that TODAY there is massive discrimination against any person of color in this country, TODAY! It may no longer be slavery, but it is racist none the less! Unless and until there is “equal” opportunity to succeed in this life, each one of us should be speaking out “ad-nauseum” in support of our oppressed brothers and sisters.
Sherry says
@ max- That sand you have your head in must taste mighty gritty. That head hole certainly sounds like a FOX hole to me. . . be very careful as it is filled with bull sh%&!
As a recruiter for over 20 years, I can tell you, first hand, that massive discrimination against people of color happens TODAY. While it may not be slavery, it is most certainly “racism”. Unless and until there is “EQUAL OPPORTUNITY” for ALL, the denial of racism is simply yet another extreme right winged lie. We should all be speaking out against such inequality “ad-nauseum”! Remaining silent, rewriting history, and, NOT learning from past mistakes is a true tragedy of human evolution.
Jane says
Spot on as usual.
Pogo says
@As stated
The usual lackwit trolls are with us always: typing with one hand while they work on a happy ending with the other — while the trumphole campaign’s bastardized version of So God Made A Farmer plays on loop:
Nothing at all resembling tRump
https://www.google.com/search?q=god+made+a+farmer+poem
A real monument to a Confederate Soldier — from the heart and mind of a Confederate Soldier:
“…In the spring of 1864, battle exploded once again on the outskirts of Richmond. After the fighting ended and armies marched off to grapple elsewhere, small details of soldiers moved onto the battlefield to bury the dead. One party came upon the Confederate soldier. He lay amid the dead in the front of the battle line.
Just before burying him on the field, the grave-diggers made the usual search of the body. Inside the shirt pocket was a sheet of paper. On it this common soldier a day or so earlier had scrawled some thoughts. They were a statement of what life meant to him. As such, the words are an everlasting testimonial to one simple human being.
The soldier wrote:
I asked God for strength, that I might achieve.
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly how to obey.
I asked for health, that I might do greater things.
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.
I asked for riches, that I might be happy.
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men.
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life.
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for – but everything I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am, among all men, most richly blessed.”
https://www.wvtf.org/civil-war-series/2019-12-15/an-unknown-confederate-soldier
DaleL says
Very nice tongue in cheek story. I especially liked the:
“And what about athletic prowess? Many of those who had African ancestry became sprinters escaping slave patrols, as well as excellent long-distance runners fleeing (for some reason) their plantation homes and the kindly white folks who gave them Everything.”
Of course natural selection was especially harsh on those who were not fast or clever enough to avoid the slave patrols. To write that punishment was harsh, would be a gross understatement.
Seriously though, I grew up in an Iowa town on the Mississippi River. There is a national cemetery in my hometown which was established to bury the thousands of dead American troops who fought bravely to put down the southern insurrection. Let us never forget and never contemplate another civil war. The American troops who died in the Civil War are as much martyrs to civil rights as MLK. Many were freed slaves.
No Political Affiliation says
I was at the Holland Park with my kids a few weeks ago, everything was fine until a loud mouthed couple began screaming profanities at a person who politely asked the 45 year old, 260 pound husband not to ride the zip line intended for 5-12 year olds. It’s a reasonable request because it’s broken all the time…because adults use it, despite the sign that clearly says 5-12 years old.
The swearing at full volume continues as the husband gets in the face of someone who DARED to ask him not break public property. “Who the fuck do you think you are? You can’t tell me what to do. I have a degree in law. Why don’t you write your congressman?” He giggles a bit, then repeats, “Why don’t you write your congressman?” While still inches from the man’s face.
The wife began tugging at the husband’s arm so he doesn’t get violent, now he’s pissed at her too for holding him back. They continue to swear at full volume while my kids around aged 5 asks what’s wrong. From a distance I say, “Excuse me, do you mind not swearing at full volume in a children’s park?” to the couple.
The husband explains he has a degree in law, no one can ask him, a 45 year old southern man (with a degree in law, he pointed this out several times) not to use a zipline intended for 5-12 year olds. The wife interrupts him to yell at me, “Why don’t you go back NORTH?!” as if me having a northern accent has anything to do with breaking or not breaking ziplines.
When challenged in any way they default to the culture of hate they were raised in, and continue to raise their children in. But it’s everyone else’s fault when they say or do hateful things.
Sherry says
Not to confuse anyone with the facts, but currently the majority of lithium is used in smart phones, computers and other vital technology. . . NOT electric vehicles. Just do a search for FOX articles on the dangers of lithium. It’s all part of their war against moving away from fossil fuels and protecting our environment. All stemming from their “human made climate change is just a hoax” BS.
On a more factual and positive note: Research for other kinds of batteries, that are more environmentally healthy, is promising:
The concept of sodium-ion (Na-ion) batteries is quickly moving from the laboratory to the real world. Engineers are fine-tuning the designs to optimize performance and safety, while manufacturers, notably in China, are ramping up production. This momentum suggests a shift in the battery industry, with sodium-ion batteries potentially offering a more environmentally friendly alternative to lithium-ion batteries.
Ray W. says
Hello Sherry,
Thank you.
About two weeks ago, the News-Journal published a story about the sales leading domestic Nissan Sekura EV. Sold only in Japan, and designed as a sub-compact city car, it sells for roughly $15,400, depending on exchange rate changes between the yen and the dollar. It captured about 1/2 of the national EV market. Yes, it has a range of only 112 miles (smaller battery that uses less lithium), but it can fully recharge on a quick charger in 40 minutes. With a home system, it takes eight hours. In order to maximize passenger room, there is limited trunk space.
Advances in EV options are rapidly coming into production. What we know today may be irrelevant in 10 years.
Sherry says
@ Ray W. EXACTLY! The technological advances that are critical to saving our planet are rapidly evolving.
FOX uses fear inducing propaganda to brainwash their addicted followers. They love taking a snap shot of a “lefty boogeyman” and blast fear/negativity 24/7. . . all in an effort to forward their extreme right winged fascist agenda. Regarding their cult followers. . . “there are none so blind as those who WILL NOT see”!