By Diane Roberts
“You know, I do the weave. You know what the weave is? I’ll talk about like nine different things, and they all come back brilliantly together, and it’s like, friends of mine that are, like, English professors, they say, ‘It’s the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen.’” — Donald John Trump
I am an English professor, a person who professes the English.
I do it good, too.
I am not yet fortunate enough to be one of Donald J. Trump’s hundreds, nay, thousands, of English professor friends. But I hear they sit around in a crystal-draped, silk-carpeted room at Mar-a-Lago, drinking Diet Coke, eating cheeseburgers, and discussing literary theory: whether they think Kubla Khan’s “stately pleasure dome” in Xanadu could possibly be as nice as the Grand Ballroom at Bedminster, and whether Blake Lively’s breasts are real.
Sounds like an awesome time.
Anyway, although I am not part of the inner circle, I am nevertheless an expert on language (and Diet Coke), and I am here to tell you that when it comes to “the weave,” Donald J. Trump is the master.
“The weave” is when you “mash up” (as the kids say) a whole bunch of things, kind of like carrot, apple, and broccoli baby food.
(I know: Broccoli has no business in carrot puree, and it might gross you out, but you still have to eat it).
“The weave” is a primo move in what we English professors call “the rhetoric.”
As our Golf Cart Demosthenes explains, “You get off a subject to mention another little tidbit. Then you get back onto the subject, and you go through this, and you do it for two hours, and you don’t even mispronounce one word.”
Not one word!
‘The best words’
Except for certain really hard words nobody can pronounce, words such as “Venezuela,” “acclimated,” “infrastructure,“ and “Hamas,” although on that one he may have actually meant what he said, which was “hummus.” It was lunchtime, after all.
No one needs those words. They are not Trump words, and as he so eloquently puts it, “I have the best words.”
Some fake media type asked a question about inflation the other day, a totally unfair and rude question, but Donald J. Trump graciously replied with this dazzling “weave” locution: “You take a look at bacon and some of these products — and some people don’t eat bacon any more. We are going to get the energy prices down. When we get energy down, you know … this was caused by their horrible energy — wind. They want wind all over the place. But when it doesn’t blow, we have a little problem.”
If Samuel Beckett were alive (which he isn’t) he would be in awe of this monologue with its startling juxtapositions and its Dadaist energy.
And no matter what anybody says, it makes perfect sense, especially if you’re high.
We are truly blessed in the oratory department this political season with Donald J. Trump; we are perched on the Parnassus of campaign discourse.
Nobody’s ever seen anything like it.
Batteries, sharks
As an English professor (and an expert on all the things), I can attest to the fact that his level of magniloquence is truly unprecedented in the history of the galaxy.
In June, he delivered a speech on a serious issue so many of us face, which is what if you’re in a an electric boat and the battery is so heavy it makes the boat sink and there’s a shark right there.
Can you electrocute the shark even if the battery is under water?
“You know what I’d do if there was a shark or you get electrocuted? I’ll take electrocution every single time. I’m not getting near the shark. So, we’re going to end that, we’re going to end it for boats, we’re going to end it for trucks.”
That’s all you need to know, am I right?
Yet some English professors and so-called “pundits” (who know nothing about sharks, bacon, horrible wind, or trucks) attack Donald J. Trump’s “weaves,” calling them “word salad,” “bizarre ramblings,” “crazy,” “bollocks,” and (so rude) “incoherent vowel movements.”
These rude, terrible people aren’t even intelligent enough to realize sharks, batteries, bacon, and wind are huge problems here in America.
They also don’t realize that Donald J. Trump’s uncle once taught at MIT, which means he, Donald J. Trump, has to be one of the most intelligent beings on this or any other planet, “because of MIT, my relationship to MIT,” he says. “Very smart.”
See, brains seeped out of MIT into the uncle, then when the uncle came to Manhattan to go clubbing with his glamorous nephew, brains seeped out of him into Donald.
(Pretty sure that’s how it works, anyway).
Nobel-worthy
In case this is too complicated for you, his campaign spokesmodel Karoline (with a “K”!) Leavitt explains: “President Trump speaks for hours, telling multiple impressive stories at the same time. Kamala Harris could never.”
I bet Kamala Harris has, like, ZERO English professor friends.
Plus, nobody will ever say her words remind them of James Joyce or William Faulkner, whose writing is extremely similar to Trump’s speeches, except maybe not as great.
If you don’t believe me (which would be stupid, since I know what I’m talking about), check out this passage from The Sound and the Fury: “I returned up the corridor, waking the lost feet in whispering battalions in the silence, into the gasoline, the watch telling its furious lie on the dark table. Then the curtains breathing out of the dark upon my face, leaving the breathing upon my face.”
William Faulkner won the Nobel Prize for Literature, which Donald J. Trump could totally win, too, and will, as soon as he’s president and we buy Sweden.
When it comes to being articulate, he cannot be beaten or equaled or any other word which might imply he’s less than a silverback with a golden tongue.
‘Word salads’
Florida’s own completely lucid Gov. Ron DeSantis agrees, and says that when it comes to tomorrow’s debate, Donald J. Trump will win bigly over Kamala Harris’ “90 minutes of word salads doused with platitudes.”
In contrast, when our governor serves up his word salads, he offers not just platitudes to dump on them but a choice of metaphorical dressings, including Ranch and Honey Mustard.
Ron DeSantis has been practicing the Donald J. Trump “weave” method, but he hasn’t quite got the hang of it yet, as you can see when he tried to explain his education policy:
“We got a lot of scholars together to do a lot of standards and a lot of different things.”
Good effort, but no mention of bacon. Grade: B-.
As an English professor, I often reflect on how Emily Dickinson, Jane Austen, Victor Hugo, and Charles Dickens would have envied Donald J. Trump and his weave-y fabulousness, as demonstrated in this masterful disquisition on our most beloved cannibal, delivered at a campaign rally:
“The late, great Hannibal Lecter. He’s a wonderful man. He oftentimes would have a friend for dinner. Remember the last scene? ‘Excuse me, I’m about to have a friend for dinner,’ as this poor doctor walked by. ‘I’m about to have a friend for dinner.’ But Hannibal Lecter. Congratulations.”
And here’s his profound assessment of America, presented in New Jersey last month: “You have millions and millions of dead people. And you have people dying financially, because they can’t buy bacon; they can’t buy food; they can’t buy groceries; they can’t do anything. And they’re living horribly in our country right now.”
Roll over, Billy Shakespeare, and give Charlotte Bronte the news.
I’m an English professor, hoping one day Trump University will come back and I can get a job there, and maybe Donald J. Trump will be my friend.
Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books.
Jim says
No one has ever been a better speaker than Donald. No one. Men, big, strong men say “Sir, you are the best orator in the world, maybe even of all time, Sir”. And then they cry because he has moved them so much. Women tell him “Sir, we don’t want to have control of decisions over our bodies; we need men, strong men, to tell us what to do, Sir”. And then they also cry because that’s what you do after speaking to DJT.
Why during the debate (which he won – bigly), telling a particularly impressive story, he got the whole country to start watching for Haitian dog/cat nabbers who are “eating the pets”. It’s true. DJT said it so it’s true. Just because not a single fact has been presented to support a former president’s “impressive story” doesn’t detract from the story telling. Why, who wants any facts to get in the way of a good story?
And I must say to the author here… I do not question that DJT has discussions with English professors all day every day and every one of them says he’s brilliant! Now, it could be that they marvel at the fact that he speaks gibberish to an adoring crowd that doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking about but cheers madly for him. And it could be that the last time DJT spoke to an English professor was his freshman year of college. That’s entirely possible. But that would imply that DJT is lying and we all know there is absolutely no evidence of that, right? Right?????
Laurel says
I actually have a good friend who is an English Professor! When we talk about Trump, it usually conjures up laughter!
Well, what Trump is good at is to distract his people from issues and plans that need defining…should they get beyond concepts.
I’ll take the shark. That’s a no brainer. World wide, shark attacks ended in 14 fatalities last year. According to Cleveland Clinic, about 1,000 people die each year from electrocution.
Where’s the boat? Let’s go!
Trump is the DaDaist of words. That’s so true.
Sherry says
Thank you Diane. . . my laugh of the day.
Not so funny, though, when you consider the tragedy that so many of our fellow citizens still mindlessly continue to support such a completely incoherent, convicted felon, conman.
Word salad. . . umm, umm good. . . pass the mayo please!
Kim Pandich Gridley says
For years now, I have remained silent while reading the multiple attacks on Trump and his followers, but I have finally reached my breaking point. I am a moderate, not a right wing extremist. I count Democratic leaders, Mike and Diane Cocchiola as friends and good people, and I’m pretty educated. Does a doctorate count? How about 40 years in English education and local administration? Is that sufficient, Ms. Roberts?
So today there was yet another assassination attempt on Trump’s life. I’m guessing that Ms. Roberts quite possibly would have been happier if that attempt had been successful, although I’m quite sure that neither she, nor her acolytes would admit it. (Thoughts and prayers, perhaps? OK, that’s mean.)
Forgive my plagiarising Ronald Reagan but I have one question: Are you better off now than you were 3.5 years ago? I’m not. I look at inflation, crime and the border and I’m scared of where we’ll be in four years if things don’t change.
I do not want to have Donald Trump over for dinner. We’re not going to be best buds. I agree that he is a narcissist, but good Lord, can we please focus on what we know to be facts? Kamala was the first to drop out of the primaries in 2016, having gotten virtually no votes. She claimed that Biden was as sharp as a tack, before she participated in a coup to oust him from office. She’s refused to submit to a real, hard hitting interview, complete with follow-up questions. You might despise Trump but you can’t deny that he takes all questions, despite how unfriendly the interviewer might be. Can Kamala say the same?
I don’t need to like Trump personally and I know he says some really stupid things, but I can’t stay quiet anymore after another self-proclaimed (albeit deranged) left wing liberal tried to kill him.
I expect I’ll be attacked, including by Pierre, but the optimist in me hopes that we can agree to disagree as is the case with many members of my family and friends. I just wanted another viewpoint besides Ms Roberts’ to be heard. Thank you.
Kim Pandich Gridley
Jim says
Yo, moderate, pretty educated Kim… Bone up on your facts before you put it in writing. If you’ll check, crime is down from DJT’s time according to the law enforcement agencies that track that.
And “You might despise Trump but you can’t deny that he takes all questions…” is disingenuous at best. He routinely disses those who ask as “nasty” or something else just because he doesn’t want to address the question. And if you think he “answers” all those questions he takes, well I’d suggest a hearing and comprehension test.
And this isn’t intended as an “attack” on you for your opinion. If you like DJT despite the lying, narcissist (you agree), me-first person he is, that’s your prerogative. However, like you, I too am tired of listening to people defend such as despicable person as a viable candidate for president.
Laurel says
KPG: I can tell you that I have never, ever, in my entire life, heard people make so many excuses for a criminal, and a con.
As for the “left wing liberal,” there are plenty of sick people out there, and this one does not represent anyone from either partly, though you are clearly comfortable claiming so. We knew that was coming. Poor victim Trump. But your darling Trump wrote on Truth Social “I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!” You know damned good and well that he just placed a target on her for some lunatic to attack, for telling her fans to register to vote. She did not say who to vote for, but said who she wanted to vote for. What a guy! The one you want!
If you want to talk about a “coup,” talk about January 6th.
You want to talk about the lives he has ruined who were brave enough to testify against him?
The “narcissism” you are comfortable with is a clinical mental disorder, requiring psychotherapy.
Inflation is below 3%. Crime is lower under Biden than under Trump. Now, do you want to discuss Haitians eating pets? How do you adjust for such craziness?
How does the border effect you? You do realize that only border Florida shares is with Georgia and Alabama, right?
As a woman, I am far better off under Biden than I was under the pussy grabbing, adulterer, and sexual predator, and I don’t want to be subject to the Heritage Foundations’ Project 2025, which is the Trumplican plan. Trump claims to know more about everything, than anyone, yet he claims he knows nothing when cornered.
No thanks, I am exhausted with Trump’s self inflicted “witch hunt,” ” witch hunt,” “witch hunt!” “Rigged,” “rigged,” “rigged!” I am exhausted with his attack on the Capital. I am exhausted with his drama. I am exhausted with his “better than anybody.” I am exhausted with his victimization. I am exhausted with his lies. I am exhausted with his crazy ass awkward, crazy childless cat ladies Vance and conspiracy spreader Laura Looney, little Nazi Steven Miller, and alt right Steve Bannon. I am exhausted with his mob boss behavior, which goes way back. I am exhausted with his bigotry.
I don’t care how educated you are, if you think that this is normal, and the way to run the United States of America, I question your opinion.
Dark money campaign contributions says
Rump ushered in the misinformation age. Facts apparently no longer matter to their base even if there are volumes of evidence to prove their lies. Apparently gop supporters don’t understand that what you say matters they preach hate and discrimination and the religious love him. Tell me again how immigrants eating dog and cats isn’t just being blatantly racist. GOP and their nazi loving base eat it up. What will they do when he looses again? Not like they will accept defeat so stage another coup? Or maybe just ask the governors to find more votes for him. Vile evil and corrupt and the republicans love it!
John says
Neither of them belong in politics that are not for the people or this country they are only out for themselves.
Bill Carter says
Fantastic article. Sending it to a couple of my friends who are English professors (small “p” because they only profess to know English).