When boys and girls reach adolescence, they are bombarded with messages that associate attraction with violence. These messages – from their peer group, TV series, films, music, social media, and so on – depict boys with violent and demeaning attitudes towards girls as attractive, but not so much those who treat girls well.
An example of these messages can be seen in the 2019 film After, based on a 2014 novel of the same name. The main character starts out with a high school boyfriend – a nice guy who she treats more like a friend than a lover – but when she goes away to college she cheats on him with a more attractive “bad boy”. Her boyfriend’s response is sympathetic, which only makes him seem insecure. The girl later finds out that her new flame was only with her for a bet, but that doesn’t make him any less attractive because, in the end, he apparently “falls in love for real”.
Dominance and coercion
Messages that link attraction to violence and contempt can occur in different settings and in different ways, and this association is known as “coercive dominant discourse”. Long-term exposure to this discourse leads girls to consider violent boys attractive, eventually pushing them into toxic emotional and sexual relationships.
In our recent study, we analysed the ways in which this discourse manifests within a peer group, leading some girls into what are known as “disdainful hookups” with boys who do not treat them well and show violent attitudes and behaviours, and to suffer the consequences.
To do this, we interviewed 59 boys and 71 girls from 3 different secondary schools, all aged between 15 and 16. They told us about the interactions in their peer groups – the groups of people of a similar age with whom they share interests and activities, either inside or outside school, and with whom they socialise and build their identities.
Peer pressure and the desire to fit in
The peer group is one of the most important contexts for adolescent socialisation and learning, and peer pressure can lead some girls to get involved with violent boys, even if they don’t want to.
The peer group also exerts pressure on girls by telling them repeatedly that they should like boys with violent attitudes and behaviour, which causes many of them to end up liking – or believing that they like – this type of boy. This pressure leads to violent behaviour being normalised and accepted, and even to girls mistaking it for love, pushing them into toxic relationships.
Peer pressure is also rooted in the media messages that young people are exposed to.
“I have watched a series in which the girl, at first, was dating a boy who did not treat her well, and then he left her. He kept saying to her that she was ugly … and she did not realize that there was another boy in her class that was always looking after her and that he liked her.” (Teenage female research participant)
For their part, boys are pressured to follow patterns of violent and disdainful masculinity if they want to be attractive and successful with girls.
The danger of being boring
For girls who are already in a stable relationship with a boy who is not violent, the coercive dominant discourse in the group labels them as “boring”, and pressures them to cheat on their boyfriends with boys who show more violent attitudes and behaviour. This is because, as the girls participating in our research explained when recounting their experience, “that’s the fun part”.
Violent behaviours can range from bragging about having hooked up with someone and then belittling her, to showing contempt for a girl once they have got together, talking down to her, and treating her badly both in front of others or when they are alone.
There are girls who end up giving in to these pressures, getting together with people they do not want to and cheating on people they like, because they don’t want to be considered boring in their group and they are afraid of losing their friends. And the role of their peers does not always stop there.
Harassment can continue when friends, for instance, take photographs of a girl with a boy – either being intimate or being close to each other in a way that makes it look like they are. They can then send the photograph to the girl’s boyfriend, send it to more people, or post it on the internet, broadcasting her deception to the wider world and damaging the girl’s relationship with her boyfriend.
Health consequences of gender-based violence
Scientific research has shown that gender-based violence has negative health consequences, including chronic pain and an increased risk of sexually transmitted diseases, depression, and suicidal tendencies.
Around 27% of women and girls aged 15-49 have experienced some form of physical or sexual violence, so it is necessary to identify the factors that increase the risk of gender-based violence, especially among younger girls who are in their first relationships.
Our research shows that disdainful hookups are one such factor that increases the risk of gender-based violence among teenagers, as they socialise girls to normalise and be attracted to violence. Moreover, when these relationships are shared among many people or posted online, they are linked to that girl forever, with potentially serious consequences for her health. As one of them said: “The photo will follow you to your grave. Some people end up committing suicide because it hurts so much.”
(Good) friends can prevent the problem
Putting pressure on girls to get into abusive or disdainful relationships increases the likelihood that they will be victims of gender-based violence. But just as a girl’s peer group can put pressure on her to get into these relationships, it can also help to prevent them.
In our research, girls talked about peer pressure or “fear of losing their friends”, but they also refer to “fake friends” pressuring them into a relationship with someone they did not want to be with.
According to the findings of this and other research, working on quality friendships from an early age can be an important part of preventing and protecting against gender-based violence.
This article was originally published in Spanish, and was written by contributors: Silvia Molina Roldán, Profesora Titular en Educación, Universitat Rovira i Virgili; Garazi Lopez de Aguileta, PhD and teaching assistant, University of Wisconsin-Madison; Itxaso Tellado, Profesora Agregada, Universitat de Vic – Universitat Central de Catalunya; Leire Ugalde Lujambio, Profesora Agregada en la Facultad de Educación, Filosofía y Antropología, Universidad del País Vasco / Euskal Herriko Unibertsitatea; Lidia Puigvert Mallart, Catedrática de Sociología, Universitat de Barcelona; Miguel Ángel Pulido, Profesor en la Universitat Ramon Llull, Facultat de Psicologia Ciències de l’Educació i de l’Esport Blanquerna, Universitat Ramon Llull; Ramón Flecha García, Catedrático Emérito de sociología, Universitat de Barcelona, and Sandra Racionero-Plaza, Profesora agregada. Socioneurociencia, Universitat de Barcelona
Psych Class says
I wonder if the research done included the background of the teens they interviewed. Was their family makeup included (absent father/single mother, etc.). Was their violence or trauma in their childhood, home life? I think that takes precedent over any peer pressures they would encounter in middle and/or high school. I would think teens predisposed to violence in the home or absent mothers or fathers would have a greater effect on who they become attracted to as opposed to teens who’s parents were still together, no violence in the home, no childhood trauma, etc. To say that it’s peer pressure against girls to be attracted to violent boys is grossly incorrect and completely ignoring the psychological environmental effects of childhood trauma and broken homes. The majority of person’s personality and how they deal with things, problem solving, right and wrong, attractions, etc is thru learned behaviors and the environment they are raised in during early childhood (birth thru age 5+).
James says
If what you’re suggesting is that there exits some form of behavioral “imprinting” as has been found in other animals, such as birds. Then I might tend to agree with you as to it being a real possibility, but unfortunately, perhaps unprovable.
I must admit, that over the years I’ve noted what appeared to be a tendency for many individuals to form relationships with other people which eventually turned out to be, for a lack of a better term, “toxic.” Even when the person involved set out to find someone not like individuals from their family or prior failed relationships… which might point to how subtle the phenomenon might be.
Much like another strange observation of mine, that of apartment renters. It always invariably seemed that when one renter moved, another would move in with a similar personality. Now, whether they were truly like the last person to rent the apartment, or the apartment environment changed them slowly over time?… Don’t know.
Of course, BOTH are my subjective antidotal observations, with no basis in rigorous scientific methodologies.
But if you think about it for a while, is what you’re suggesting truly possible? In animals of “higher intelligence” the individual learns from the environment both good and bad, over time. Which includes the individual’s family and family interactions, but not that family and those experiences alone, wouldn’t you agree?
Just a few thoughts and observations.
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James says
Btw, I should add that in my observations of renters I should have mentioned that I too was a renter.
So perhaps you can see an additional factor to be considered in my argument. Perhaps the similarities were a reflection of the landlord somehow.
Just another observation.
James says
Yup, the best relationships are probably based on an equality of power between the two people involved. When that balance becomes so very lopsided as to result in violence or extreme animosity towards one another the answer is easy… no need to consult the advice columns.
Just get a divorce.
Skibum says
Uh hum… I think it bears saying that there are plenty of adult women who are, for whatever reason, attracted to men who abuse them. And stay with the abuser, even after getting beat down and injured time and time again. So this problem is definitely NOT specific to “teen girls” as this article seems to imply. Maybe some of the adult women started getting abused by males when in their teens, but I am sure this is not always the case.
Sherry says
@ Skibum. . . Excellent Point!
I have had mature woman friends who are always most attracted to the “bad boys”. . . we even laugh about it and call it the James Dean syndrome. Thank goodness my friends have never been physically abused, but they were most certainly subjected to some pretty toxic relationships. Some of them are still single because they are drawn to such men.
I agree with Psych Class. . . this goes much deeper into very early child rearing. Certainly those girls who may have been abused at home could quite possibly misconstrue that abuse as normal or even as love. Therefore they may not only tolerate such abusive treatment, but seek it out.
This from an article on abuse related trauma:
Some women trust others too easily, and have difficulty judging who is safe. They learned in childhood that some family members they loved and trusted had also abused them. As a result, they learned to hand over their trust, even if the other person didn’t earn or deserve it.
Sexual abuse can affect women’s sexuality. A woman may confuse sex with love and care. This is because the abuser gave her attention and affection mainly through sexual contact. Experiences like this may also put a woman at more risk for unwanted or forced sex as an adult.
Laurel says
It starts at home. The rest is society. Why do we accept girls and women to be mistreated? Why do we accept boys and men to mistreat?
At home, girls should be taught that they are wonderful people as they are as well as teach them to be considerate of others. We should teach boys to be respectful of girls, and considerate of others. This toxic crap just makes everyone unhappy. Girls and women unhappy; boys and men unhappy. How absurd!
Society, as a whole, really put women down. Television ads and shows brag that women should be a size 9, then a size 7, then a size 3 and now, a size 0, making us to gradually disappear! For a while, glamour magazines had women looking like skinny, dark eyed drug addicts. Just crazy! Remember Twiggy? The dark circles under eyes came after her. Ads purposely distort women to the point of being inhuman. Ladies, nature already made you lovely!
Politically, much of our country has accepted a sexual predator, friend of child molesters, and adulterer as President-elect, and as a Vice President-elect, a man who calls women “childless, crazy cat ladies,” and is following Project 2025’s idea of how women should live. We have a Supreme Court, which has some who are considering “revisiting” birth control.
So we get the message loud and clear.
Young ladies: get friends who support you, and ditch the friends who do not. Find boys who treat you well, and you will be much happier. Young men: trying to attract young ladies with treating them poorly will always fail and leave you unhappy. Get good friends, and ditch the jerks. Y’all need to learn this lesson early, to avoid so much unnecessary anguish. Bad, or fake friends, are only your peers if you let them be so.
Skibum says
For a long time I thought the reason why women were attracted to someone who was abusive toward them was because of low self esteem, somehow thinking they could do no better and deserved to be abused. I learned there was much more to it, and a wide variety of reasons why someone would put up with an abusive partner and would make the decision to stay in a toxic relationship rather than take advantage of available resources and ditch the abuser. Human psychology is complicated, that is for sure.