By Diane Roberts
Ronbo is pissed off. Madder than a wet hen. Angry as a sack full of rattlers. Irate as a guy with sand in his Speedo.
After everything he has done for Florida — nay, the nation! — and this is how Florida (indeed, the NATION!) repays him.
Iowa poll numbers? In the crapper.
The Koch Bros? Endorsed Nikki Haley.
Sen. Rick Scott? Endorsed Trump.
Ronbo’s trapped in a desperation tantrum so unhinged he keeps threatening to bomb the Bahamas.
He has decided to show how tough he is, going on the offensive not against Moscow but against a peaceable nation of pink buildings, blue seas, and Black people, wooing voters in Iowa and New Hampshire by hollering, “Like, if the Bahamas were firing rockets into Fort Lauderdale, like, we would not accept that for, like, one minute. I mean, we would just level it.”
The government of the Bahamas has requested urgent clarification.
Here’s the question: How many wheels will fall off the Ronbo bus before it lands permanently and irreparably in the ditch?
Ronbo’s problems go way beyond his reputed penchant for eating pudding with his hands.
Rep. Randy Fine, once DeSantis’ most loyal pet poodle, has turned on his master. Along with a pack of other traitors in the Florida Legislature, he’s defected, switched his endorsement to Trump.
Fine says it’s because the governor was too slow in condemning the Nazis who persisted in waving DeSantis signs all over Florida.
(Fine should have known better: The governor can hardly go around dissing his base, right?)
Backing down
Now Ronbo’s backers are becoming hysterical. That guy who was CEO of the DeSantis super PAC Never Back Down?
He backed down. Bailed. Resigned over issues “well beyond a difference of strategic opinion.”
A couple of weeks earlier, NBD’s top dudes had met to figure out how DeSantis could counter the menace that is Nikki Haley. Two of them nearly got into a fistfight.
Top consultant Jeff Roe took exception to Scott Wagner, a buddy of DeSantis’ from their (totally non-elitist) Yale days, saying “You have a stick up your a—, Scott.”
“Why don’t you come over here and get it?” said Wagner, who reportedly had to be restrained by two other NBD board members.
Adding to the general air of doom and disarray, Ronbo’s big donors wonder what happened to all that campaign cash. DeSantis and PACs supporting him vacuumed up fat checks early on, but a lot of that cash seems to have been blown on private jet travel.
Obviously, Ronbo, his Jackie-wannabe First Lady, and the campaign prop offspring can’t fly commercial.
One donor expressed alarm that “these guys have spent all this money for no return.” He added, “You don’t just keep throwing money at Radio Shack.”
What’s a poor graduate of Yale and Harvard to do? The serious cash is drying up; the media are dismissing him; the elites are ridiculing him; Nikki Haley (like, a GIRL!) is attacking him.
Worst of all, Donald Trump is trolling him. Hard.
Think of it: Ronbo and Plastic Jackie did that adorable Build-the-Wall campaign ad with their adorable kid in 2018 — a huge compliment to then-President Trump — and he repays them with insults, taunting, and sneering.
Trump is also tormenting them by being 30 points ahead in Iowa and 40 points ahead in New Hampshire.
So unfair.
‘Wounded bird’
On Nov. 5, Trump told the Republican Party’s hilariously named “Freedom Summit” that his rivals should drop out of the race. DeSantis in particular: “We hit him hard and now he’s like a wounded bird falling from the sky.”
Before the DeSantis duck splats on the pavement, making an unseemly mess, he’s tried one last, desperate move: debating a guy who isn’t running for president.
Last Thursday on Fox “News,” Ronbo went at California Gov. Gavin Newsom in what moderator Sean Hannity cast with characteristic understatement as both a “mixed martial arts” bout and a “war.”
Fun fact about Newsom: He used to be married to Kimberly Guilfoyle, Donald Trump Jr.’s shouty squeeze.
Fun fact about DeSantis: He has a habit of wiping his nose then depositing his snot on potential voters’ sleeves.
But here’s how it went — at least the parts you could make out amidst the hollering, insults, and interruptions.
DeSantis said California screwed up COVID; Newsom said Florida screwed up COVID. Newsom said DeSantis wants to stop women having control over their bodies, signing a bill that bans abortions at six weeks, before they even know they’re pregnant.
DeSantis said that’s because he’s into life in all its forms and iterations unless maybe it’s gay.
(That’s what he meant, anyway).
Newsom brought up Ronbo’s zeal for banning books; Ronbo whipped out texts he said were pornographic. Newsom rolled his eyes; Ronbo crowed that everyone in California is moving to Florida, including Newsom’s in-laws.
Given that the parents of Newsom’s wife are rich Republicans, it’s not exactly shocking they bought a second home (for a mere $3.3 million) in Naples.
Poop map
Then, in a coup de théâtre, DeSantis whipped out a map of San Francisco dappled in various shades of brown. It supposedly tracks incidents of public defecation in the city he described as “previously great.”
“Feces is now a fact of life,” said Ronbo.
Newsom deployed a relaxed Kennedyesque smile to convey his contempt for DeSantis, poop, porn, and all.
DeSantis had clearly been advised to arrange his resting-jerk face into a more pleasant configuration, even to “smile.”
Ron DeSantis’ “smile” is about as genuine as George Santos’ resumé.
More fun facts: Newsom is at least four inches taller than DeSantis.
While the AP called the debate a “hard to explain” spectacle, it isn’t really hard to explain at all: Newsom was raising his national profile for a likely White House run in 2028; DeSantis, his presidential campaign collapsing around him like a gingerbread house in the rain, is desperate.
As former GOP strategist Stuart Stevens twxxted: “@RonDeSantis will go down as the chump who not only lost every debate in his race, but lost to a guy who isn’t even in the race. That’s talent.”
It gets worse: The Washington Post reports that DeSantis campaign staffers smell disaster. A source told the newspaper: “People increasingly think it’s over. It’s a dumpster fire.”
Ménage à trois
The Florida Republican Party is doing a little self-immolating of its own. DeSantis pal Christian Ziegler, state party chairman and pious promoter of “family values,” is under criminal investigation for rape.
A woman says he assaulted her and claims that he, she, and his wife had a hot little ménage à trois going down there in Sarasota.
She also alleges he videotaped their, er, encounters.
Bridget Ziegler is a school board member and one of the founders of Moms for Liberty. She demands that “religious values” return to our schools and wants books on racism, LGBTQ issues, and anything that depicts sex be removed from libraries lest it corrupt our youth.
As DeSantis watches his White House dreams turn to ash, he’s feebly calling for Ziegler to resign.
It won’t matter. He won’t matter.
The bigtalking “Top Gov” in the ill-fitting flight suit has been forced to come down to earth; the swaggering Walmart Napoleon who bought the early hype around his “inevitability,” is now heading for his Waterloo.
Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books.
Sam says
Well written, DeSantis and his plastic Jackie are toast. Do our country a favor and back it in.
c says
It would have been sooo nice if he and his cronies hadn’t subverted the State Constitution – and he was out of the running AND out of the Governorship …
GA says
Bravo! Well said!
Dennis C Rathsam says
Dear dear Dianne, When will you grow up? Who cares how tall Newsom is! De Santis wiped the floor with his bullshit lies during the debate. Maybe its not his time to be president, oh well. Shit happens…. But your constant attack on our governor, and republicans shows how desperate the democratic party is at this point in time. Biden,s aproval rating is 39 % ! Democrats are running for the hills. Americans know they were better off 4 years ago, before Bidenomics. They see it every day at the food store! Dear dear Dianne, do you grocery shop? Do you know the what the interest rate is? How many LLC,s does your family have? Does your family get money from CHINA? or the UKRANE??? maybe RUSSIA! Keep drinking that KOOL-AID they feed your over whelmed brain.What,s your plan when Bidens invaders ( SO MANY FROM CHINA) mostly men in the prime of thier lives, starts destroying America from the inside. Shootings in stores, electrical systems blown up? Making our water suppy poison? WAKE UP DIANNE!!!!!
Enough says
The saddest part of all this is that the jackass will return to Florida to continue his hate and bigotry against defenseless people. His exaggerations and lies will still be listened to by his uneducated followers, thinking he has the best interests for the people of Florida. Nothing is further from the truth!! We all have seen he is an awkward man in debates who exhibits being a follower rather than a leader. If he can’t bully someone into believing what he says, then that person or group becomes a “target” to be eliminated; the same actions that his hero Chump takes!! How sad that the Republican Party has become a worsening disaster not only to this country, but among themselves as well.
Atwp says
Hope they will continue to fall. Hope he will fall too. It his hard to lead a country when you can’t govern a state. Hopefully his political dats are numbered.
The Sour Kraut says
Now if he could only take Trump, Greene, Hawley, Christie, and Boebert on his way out.
DaleL says
An interesting read. I did not know that Kimberly Guilfoyle used to be married to Gavin Newsom, WOW!
I had thought that DeSantis trying to get by Trump on his right was a huge campaign mistake. It was rather like trying pass on the right on a two lane road, a near perfect recipe for winding up in the ditch.
All the Republican presidential contender, except Christie, made a huge mistake by going after each other and not Trump. The correct strategy would have been to first knock out the 77 year old orange geezer before going after each other. As it was, they gave him almost a free pass to stay way ahead.
The dude says
Maybe Meatball Ron can come on home now and spend some time doing things for the actual state of Fl.
Like figuring out what to do about insurance, or taking that $1mil he wants to use to sue college football and putting it into the terrible schools, or using his $1bil slush fund to otherwise make actual Floriduh residents’ lives better instead of flying immigrants from other states to other states.
All you MAGA morons who cheered him on, and then turned your backs on him, can have him back.
Jane says
Great article (as usual) about our loser governor. Wish he’d just go away already!
Hmmm says
Ron DeSantis for president!!!!!
Question. What do you think should be done if the Bahamas were lobbing rockets at Florida?
Thomas Hutson says
Wheels Off the BUS
What are you “WOKE” news people talking about?? He is the Commander in Chief of his own Florida Guard/Militia, also known as “Baby Mussolini” and He is as big if not “BIGGER” than his surrogate daddy! Even if he does stand in his wedged cowboy boots. Hey, and even if he doesn’t have the huge money donors as that other spiked heel candidate has, he will still have his “DAY Job” in Florida. Thanks to all his “MINIONS” in Tallahassee. He can always auction off his cherished “COWBOY BOOTS”, after he leaves office in 2027, or he might just decide to stay in Office, just think about that! Wheels off his bus HA, HA, HA, not in Florida with his Minions.
The dude says
The Bahamas doesn’t have rockets, and neither does meatball Ron and his sexy boots…
John Stove says
Jeeeez get a grip…..Dumbsantis was and is a loser and will never amount to anything. Talk about the economy….inflation is down and keeps going down, lowest unemployment in 50 years, GDP is up, stock market is up….gas prices going down….multi Billion dollar Infrastructure bill to rebuild our aging roads, water plants, sewer plants, so yeah Bidenomics working.
Republitards?…..S**T show in the House with the speaker fight, GOP members fighting in the hallway like it was high school, no legislation or bills passed to help Americans but yeah lets focus on an imaginary impeachment of the president with no evidence…..even GOP representatives standing up and asking “what legislation have we passed to help average American’s?
Their prime choice for president is a one-term president, sexually assaulted a woman, led an insurrection, stole classified documents, pushed for non-existent votes in GA so he could win, found guilty of business fraud in NY and surrounded himself with the “best people” who have admitted roles in fake electors schemes and been found guilty in a court of law.
There might be 5,153,695 registered Republican voters in FL (and not all will vote for the orange clown) but there are 4,473,665 registered Democratic voters in FL who wont vote Republican……
NEVER TRUMP, NEVER REPUBLICAN
C’mon man says
Kamala will fix this mess.
Laurel says
Oh Dennis, change the channel.
Laurel says
He looks ridiculous sitting in his blue suit with his pointy, stitched boots sticking out! What, is he a cowboy? No? He was not a Navy Seal either, as he likes his minion to pretend.
Can’t wait until this foolishness is over with.
Sherry says
@Hummm. . .OMG! There are simply no words to respond to this incredibly idiotic comment. Afraid of the Bahamas. . . LOL! LOL! LOL! BTW. . .you can crawl back under the bed now. HO! HO! HO!
Sherry says
Love! Love! Love! Dianne’s snarky articles. . . the gossip about strange bedfellows is so deliciously juicy!
Endless dark money says
So if the racist ron bus breaks down will his wife and kids have to walk on the radioactive roadway past the slurry pond to the publicly paid for fortress with the finest golf simulators money can buy. Or will his big donor that handles the migrant flights send a plane their way?
Hmmm says
Talk junk now. It was a theoretical comment made by DeSantis which you and the editor missed the point. Did you read the article? People like yourself dont care or see the severity unless its at your doorstep. You’re probably one that calls the city crying about recycling bins or a bump in the road.
Hammock Huck says
Having been a resident of Flagler County for nearly 50 years, and have known some great local politicians and judges, it amazes me how far left our local news has swung. FlaglerLive is quick to dismantle, and put down any state or local Republican, but remains mostly silent on any Democrat, hence the ongoing inquiry of your brain-dead President into his corrupt family and foreign business dealings. If you want anyone to have some respect for your little home town paper, then have an even playing field. Otherwise, pack up and go back to your large liberal cities where you can be your pathetic little self.
FlaglerLive says
There are hardly any Democrats to speak of locally or statewide, and when there are and they behave questionably or worse, it’s reported: it’s not as if Sally Hunt, a local Democrat, has not drawn her share of headlines. As for the president, we don’t peddle in the sort of offensive and baseless characterizations you prefer. That’s not leveling the field. It’s insulting our readers’ intelligence. Your last line, however, suggests that you would prefer a one-party state, with one voice and one point of view.